WTF?!?!

[cat04]

Unfortunately for me, you are all correct. I'm really to the point where i don't know that there is one 'right' answer to how I should proceed.

I'm still contemplating going to zero contact with W... in which case I would tell her what MHL has suggested that I tell her.

However, I also very much agree with what 25 said... that the chances of reconciliation are pretty slim if there is no contact between us. Can I handle casual contact with W as you asked 25? Starsky, MHL and Mach are all correct that I have demonstrated time and again that it does draw me back in pretty easily. I do think that my mental attitude is quite a bit different now than it has been in the past several months. Mostly, that I feel that I am DONE letting my W use my past behaviors in our M to continue to justify her choices now. I feel that I am DONE trying to convince her to forgive me. And finally, I am DONE trying to convince her that I have changed and that we can have a great M. I feel that I have suffered enough for my sins in our M. I feel that my W has had plenty of opportunity to see that I do understand what I didn't understand during our M and that I have changed. It is up to her to forgive me and see that she and I can have a bright future together.

HOWEVER, the question remains as to whether or not I can maintain that attitude with casual contact with W.

Your thread title should give you the answer to this question...

Denver,

Initially I tried to maintain casual contact with my H. Every bit of contact I tried to show him my changes. He didn't believe them. He still remembered the "old" me. One day when he was particularly nasty to me, I decided that NC was the best way to go for me. Because I reacted and didn't like it.

NC, turned out to be the best thing I was able to do FOR MYSELF. It gave me the time away from him to stop wondering or caring if doing this or that would make a difference. It gave me the time to figure things out that I needed to figure out. It gave me time to like myself again.

My H, noticed those changes because eventually brief casual contact did resume (when I was able to deal with it), when I didn't say WTF when he texted me something stupid. When I could respond to those texts like I was responding to anyone else. He noticed them and liked them.

While it didn't reconcile our M (remember I was dealing with a MLCer who is still on his journey), it did improve our overall R.

Had he just been a WAS, who knows...

My point, is that I gained what I needed from NC. I was able to get off of the rollercoaster and begin to actually live my life. I stopped spinning and I stopped being stuck.

Denver, when you stop looking for the "right" answer to reconcile your M, you will find the "right" answer for yourself.