Yes, actually, I just logged on in order to do so! Guess my detachment plans kicked in sooner than I thought.
It's been pretty tough the last few weeks because I know that OM moved in with my W on the 13th. I was able to keep my cool in the weeks before because I knew that they were only talking on the phone, but now I get a lot of intrusive thoughts about what they're doing over there. Of course, I let them go, but it's still really tough. It makes it easier to know that she's a woman possessed by the fog rather than thinking rationally -- the "real" her would never do anything like this to us. I've been with her for long enough to know that to be true.
I wanted to update because I read an incredible book by Dean Delis called "The Passion Trap." It's wonderfully insightful about relationship dynamics, and it often explains why Michele's DB tactics work. The bottom line of the book is: When one person becomes more emotionally dependent on the relationship, the other person tends to withdraw from it. Delis found this to be the primary problem in all of the people who came to his practice for marriage counselling.
To be honest, I think it explains why my M went south after a couple of years. I reviewed the chapter on common happenings when the "passion trap" is set into motion and found myself laughing -- everything he said that the withdrawing partner, or "one-up," does when the relationship is out of balance, my W did the EXACT SAME THINGS. I automatically assumed that her distance and dissatisfaction were all my fault, but now I'm starting to think that our relationship was "out of balance." I became totally emotionally dependent on our relationship for all my needs and became something of a yes-man, afraid to rock the boat. In turn, she received all the power in the M and in turn became resentful of me, though she could never really pinpoint why. Delis actually explains that A's are typical for one-ups, so that may have been the cause after all (or at least a lot of it). So me withdrawing and not begging her for closeness are some of the best antidotes to this thorny problem.
As for detaching, that is my primary goal right now. It's tough because I miss her very much and feel very drawn to her, but it's honestly the best thing I can do, especially for myself. I can't live life on my end acting as though she's the only thing that matters, especially if she's gone right now. I have to depend on other things in my life to make me happy, including myself. That's really my main goal right now: to just be happy.
