Well, I had a good night's sleep and am ready to see what today brings. Oddly enough, after my rant/vent yesterday that I didn't get any response to, I went for a drive last night. With the windows down, the cool night air washing over me and singing along to the radio, I felt happy. It felt really good.
It's nice to know that my situation can be utterly icky, but I can still be happy. Basically, it's a great realization to know that my happiness is my own and not tied up with H.
I'm feeling freer and freer everyday. I don't have to be invested in the ever-elusive quest to get H to a consistent place of happiness or even just contentment. He was never happy. Not when we were 18. He was briefly when we became Christians, were engaged and got married and for 2-3 months as newlyweds. Then, the newness began to fade and the unhappiness reemerged. Now, I don't have to try to fix anything. Now, I don't have to question myself. And now, I don't have to change things that I am perfectly fine with.
I remember one day putting on stockings to wear under my skirt and H stopped me and asked,"why don't you wear thigh-highs and a garter belt?"
I said, "I've never thought about it."
H: (with a hint of anger) "Most women wear garter belts."
I sat there shocked for a long moment. On what planet? Women wear garter belts when they're dressing up for a man, shooting a lingerie ad or porn video. Not when they were getting ready to go and work nine hours in the dead of winter. It occurred to me that his expectations were so far out there that I would never meet them. I'd put on thigh highs and garter belts for him when we were being intimate/romantic, but he expected that every time I wore stockings I would look like the women he spent hours viewing online. Totally skewed.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
