I think we are all on the same page with what WE see with Denver.
People 'hear' things the way they hear things, in the time frame they hear them....
We all just have varying differences in how we explain it. And with all the traffic on his threads, combined with Denver being a people pleaser, he tries to apply everything, everyone posts to him. Hoping that one will be that magic bullet that "fixes" his marriage. I don't blame Denver for that, or anyone here. It is just the way it is.
I cannot speak for MHL, Starsky, or anyone else trying to say the same things ( from the way I interpret things).
But for me, the contact that Denver does have , sends him spinning toward his wife, and pulls him into that tornado. It is always calmer in the eye of the storm , and that is the place that we ALL want to see Denver. In that spot where he can see everything clearly without getting any collateral damage because of it.
Time and time again, he has shown that the contact affects him greatly.
It is like a stare-down of two playground bullies , and one jumps when the other one blinks.
The only way to change that dynamic is to change the events that lead to that dynamic. And the major event that causes that....is contact with her.
Denver has fears that are causing him to seek that contact, and until he addresses those fears ( and not just the fear, but the root of those fears ) , he will always allow himself to be defined by the outcome of his marriage.
There is also a misnomer that things have to be one way or another for him right now. It is not that he either has to be married or he has to be divorced. She asked him for space and time to figure things out. That does NOT mean that procedings have to be started.
This should be Denver's time to figure things out as well, and the contact does not allow him to do that with a clear head.
I would imagine that Denver's emotional tank is pretty well empty right now. And HE needs to recharge that.
The contact that he has right now, are just words....there are no actions to back anything up. And those empty words ( from both of them ) are causing him to stay right where she left him.
IF...Denver was in a place, where the contact did not affect him, then I would encourage it more. But he isn't.
This is being played as if it were only Denver's wifes choice. As if she held all of the cards. And the truth is ??
He has a choice in this too.....
He has a choice to take this time for himself...to heal , and to grow....
To figure out who he is....
And if he can do that, THAT is the best chance of having a new relationship with his current spouse....
As far as Denver having anything left to show his wife ?
I think he has a lot to offer her.
Although I do believe that his fear is driving his actions toward her.
As people, we develop fears. That is normal behavior in us.
Recognizing those fears and dealing with them in a healthy manner is what seperates most of us.
Letting those fears take us over is where the line is drawn most of the time.
Those fears become thoughts
Thoughts become words
Words become actions..
And before we realize it....those actions steer us toward the things we fear the most...
Essentially, we let those fears become goals, that we work toward....
I.E.-----Denver is so afraid of becoming the "old Denver" ...that he is pushing the "new Denver" so hard against his wife, that the "old" is coming through in his actions. In the form of controlling behavior.
That is the direction I am going........
And I am done talking about Denver like he isn't here...
