Treading water - time and patience

[NYCPeter]

You know - I'm not really that impulsive anywhere else, I don't know why I do it with my W - guess it's the pressure and the fact I haven't detached.

Feel like I'm back at step 1 every time I do this and I'm running out of time.

But as my topic title says "time and patience" I need to learn this.

[Endeavour]

Peter, I'm guessing the crazy fluctuating emotions and physical symptoms of anxiety is why they call this journey a rollercoaster. Sometimes it's hard to keep those emotions in check and given what you found out the other day, what happened was probably due to your heightened anxiety.

All we can do is take it one day at a time. I struggle everyday with what is right and what is wrong but I try and remember that one negative interaction is NOT the final nail in the coffin of the relationship so to speak.

Hang in there. You're doing your best.

[NYCPeter]

I understand Endeavour - I think the last two disappointments were big ones and show that my W is ready to quit on the M.

1. Telling her friend over the Weekend she is done and nothing will change.
2. Not wanting to go on another date despite saying she enjoyed the evening.

Her "I don't know what I want" responses just seem a way of avoiding the issue, as many on here have stated - actions speak louder than words.

Not sure what to expect from MC tomorrow - I'm sure I will be asked about things in our M that I feel we need to work on. Intimacy is the huge one for me - I really cannot bare being 20 feet from my wife in a different bedroom every night.

At least this is a GAL night for me (well I always do this on Weds) - soccer and a few beers will be a welcome distraction and it'll be nice to be around people who want me there.

[Queen_of_Swords]

1. Telling her friend over the Weekend she is done and nothing will change.
2. Not wanting to go on another date despite saying she enjoyed the evening.

My H did this. My situation appears to be turning around after two years at least from STBX's side.
It's not over yet. Although right now I'm struggling with still wanting our M to survive, because I WANT more than what I had or what we have right now.

[Endeavour]

Peter,

She might want to go on another date in the future. That is only how she feels in this moment.

[sandi2]

Right here, Peter, is where you blew it....and you knew it and yet you just kept pressing.

Me - "Great - I really want to do it again some time".

W - Doesn't say anything for a while.

That was a trick, and you knew exactly what you were trying to get from her. You didn't ask her a direct question and I know you are smart enough to know that when a person does not respond to what you've said.....that's your sign to shut up!

But, you didn't shut up. She was trying to avoid that little snare you had set, but when she didn't respond, you went after it.

Me - "Does that mean you don't"

W - "I'm not sure".

She's trying to stay out of another R talk. But you keep on.

Me - "I don't understand why if you had a good time you wouldn't want to do it again"

W - "I don't know"

Second answer to you saying she doesn't know, or not sure.

If you had stopped at this point, it might have still not made a dark spot on the evening together.

Me - "Where is this going, I don't get it"

You are the only person who can control Peter. Saying that you can't help yourself is an excuse. You can, and you must!

Don't expect her to want to go anywhere with you for a while, including MC. She will avoid you b/c she doesn't want to have a R talk every time.

[NYCPeter]

Well MC today was interesting.

He asked us to describe our childhood and then bring forward the feelings to today.

My W described how she was always praised and appreciated and that she doesn't get the same in our M. I can understand why - I am distant at times at take many things she does for granted. She also said I was over-critical, not sure I agree 100% but I validated everything she said and would work on it.

He asked about me - I talked about being raised by a single parent (father) and that I often felt lonely and unloved. I have the same feelings in our M and that I felt isolated and not involved. My W validated and said she recognized how I would feel that way.

He then asked us how things were physically - well that let the cat out of the bag - W - "How can I feel intimate when I don't love him", "for years I felt unappreciated why should I give him any intamacy". This torrent of how for years I've not been available - so why should she now be available for me.

At the end of the session he asked her to be more intimate with me (hugs, touching etc.) - her response, "we'll see - I am not sure if that can happen".

I really don't think she'll want to go back - W is away next week and was talking in the car about how full the calendar is the following week.

[NYCPeter]

Just journaling.

The night of MC I asked my W how she thought it went - she said it was fine and that she feels it is helping bring clarity (I wish it brought more clarity for me), she didn't expand on what she meant and I didn't pursue.

She stayed up and we chatted for longer than we usually do - just general stuff, no R talk. She's been a little more affectionate lately (couple of hugs and kisses), but nothing really intimate.

Been busy with my girls - spent last night playing Wii until way past bed time. Took them horseback riding this morning.

Tomorrow they leave for a week - I'll miss them all, but get on with GAL - gives me the opportunity to catch up with friends and stay in the city a couple of nights.

One thing to note - I went to bed last night without thinking about when my W was coming home from work (usually I would wake around 2-2:30). I guess it bothers me less than it did and if she decides to stay out late, she knows I don't like it - but it's her life.

One thing that did make me cringe - my D6 said she made daddy's bed yesterday, how sad that my D notices we sleep in seperate beds, not something I want her to think is normal in a healthy relationship.

[NYCPeter]

More journaling....

W - left with the girls at before lunch, I did make a comment that I would have thought we would have spent most of the day together as I wouldn't see them for a week (I know - I slipped).

She said she just thought it would be easier to leave in the morning. I left it at that - but she knows I wasn't particularly happy.

We had a quick hug and kiss before she left - I'll leave it until Tuesday to call to talk to the girls, it will be interesting to see if she calls before then as we discussed more communication in MC.

I'll be spending most of the week in the city catching up with a few friends. I really didn't want to spend the week in the house on my own and I'll be looking after my in-laws cat at their apartment.

Time and patience.

[NYCPeter]

We are back to cold detatched W.
She sent me a text at 11:00pm this evening.
"Had a nice day at the lake - could have been a bit warmer".
"D9 didn't swim. Goodnight."

My response
"Glad to hear you had a good time."
"will call tomorrow to talk to the girls."
"Send them my love. Goodnight".