Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

Its a gorgeous day out and things are moving along.

Received mail today from W's attorney. Basically the divorce complain and notice that the attorney is representing her. Sounds like the same thing my L received in early July. Postmarked 6/29. Arrived today. Trying to make sense of that, as well as figure out if I need to take any action. For the time being, I just stuck it in the "divorce" folder. I think my L is on vacation this week anyhow.

Not a whole lot of emotional response to it though, maybe because its already been out there for a month. I don't know. Just not feeling the drama.

On the Job front, working on setting up a meeting w/ somebody at the company I'm most interested in. I've never done this kind of networking before, but I am looking forward to the opportunity to do so, and intend to prepare my butt off. This actually intimidates me much more than the whole D thing, at this point.

I strongly suspect I will not be seeing WAW anytime soon. She leaves for Europe early next week and is gone until mid-september. While I could contact her about some paperwork that belongs to her or some reason like that there is nothing pressing. I kind of want to see if she will make any effort at connecting w/ me before she leaves.

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Particularly on my birthday.

To be honest, I participated in making her B-day pretty bad this year. We were supposed to be 'working on things' and I had found those text-messages between her and her friend planning to send the OM a b-day gift when I was gone the following week, and she was planning on calling him on his b-day. This was 2 days before he bday - I did not handle this well. Previous to this, I had been extending her quite a bit of kindness and compassion.

My reaction to discovering those messages was to basically withdraw all trust and most kindness. Her apologies became worthless to me, and her promises became empty. I let her know that I felt like she did not value my trust, and that I felt stupid for extending it to her. I was pretty harsh towards her on her b-day, and certainly used the 'guilt card' to make her feel bad about even wanting to go out and do something. We spent most of the evening fighting and I was certainly not acting from my best self. I may believe she was wrong about a lot, but it doesn't make me any more right.

It would be fair to say I was looking for her to do something to soothe my wounded pride, ego, trust, etc..

At the risk of mind-reading, I think she is extremely uncomfortable around me at the moment. Much of this is based in her own perception of things - totally out of my control - so I don't really know what I could even begin to do about that.

I am working on my stellar attitude and my resilient outlook - doing my best to be philosophical about things and keep a solid grasp on myself. One of the big underlying things, for me, seems to be keeping a perspective on my worth and value as an individual.

I've noticed a subtle assumption I make that I'm not going to be 'good enough' or 'worth' talking to. These assumptions manifest in ways that obstruct me from pursuing the things in life that I want. I'm doing my best to recognize it in its many incarnations, and deal with it.