OnMyWay: to the next phase.

[OnMyWay]

Ok, so last night's "date" was challenging. W's attitude between the time she'd asked and we got to the point of going out had definitely changed - not surprised. It didn't go well. For wanting to "converse" with me, she didn't have much to talk about. Eventually, she came clean and unloaded on me - she asked me if she could move home.

She wouldn't comment on what our sitch would be like, just that she misses our D9 so much and feels like an outsider that she wants to come back. She wants to be around during the holidays when my parents are here visiting. She wants to be involved in our home life. She did get in a protective "I don't want to come back to be your wife" statement in there, although I think that, due to her actions and other statements, is something seriously on her mind.

The date didn't go well, as old emotions, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and outside influences eventually creeped into the conversation. I was able to eventually diffuse the situation with a simple hug, which lasted for many minutes. We both admitted we'd initially had no expectations of the evening. She hadn't had any intention of asking me to come home and said she wasn't sure what prompted her to do so. It was getting late. She came to bed with me for some cuddling, but didn't want to stay the night, which I agreed was a good idea, even though I pushed the envelope by encouraging her to stay. When she came back this morning to be with D9, I could tell she'd been up most of the night crying, as her eyes we all puffy. I'm sure she's feeling very exposed and confused. Admittedly, not a great night of DBing on my part.

What does all this mean? Well, in retrospect, I guess it means my going dark, GAL, and doing the MLC dance has worked to a great extent. She wrote down in her IC notebook that I have been able to disconnect, while she is unable to. She is very defensive about the prospective other women in my life. Yet, she can't come to grips with the fact that she still has deep emotional attachment to me (or at least won't admit it to me, although it is obviously there).

As far as the move-in goes, the answer must be no for now. While, I'll leave that door open for her, I can't invite her in as I cannot see that as being a solution to our issues. A goal for down the road, sure, but there's currently no road map in place to help us get there. If she's serious, I've suggested perhaps it's time to bring me into counseling with her, so we can properly gauge our sitch. She did mention her IC has been asking her to include me since the beginning, but she hasn't felt she was ready for that. On a side note, she did mention how she told the IC that she feels like she's been fired from a job she loved and that the IC responded, "Were you fired or did you quit?" She said the reality of that statement really floored her and put things in perspective.

Regardless, without some sort of potential for long term success, I think there's no point in trying. Be interesting to see where we go from here. I'm betting on a pretty big pull-back today, which will mean status-quo for now. But, it does feel like one step in a direction away from limbo.