I've been lurking on this site since my H dropped the first bomb on me on May 1st of this year, and before I go any further I must say that the advice, help and sense of community I have felt, even as an "outsider", has proven invaluable to me during this very difficult time in my life. You guys are all very, very wise. Even as a reader, it helps learning from each of you. Now, on to the details...
H and I have been married for 13 years, together 15, and we have two children (D8 and S5). As I mentioned, on May 1st, my husband told me he "wasn't sure we were right for each other anymore", said he thought we were basically incompatible, that we "used to be good together but now we're not" and on and on and on. You guys know the dril. It was the basic crap. He wasn't sure how he felt about me anymore, he didn't know what to do, etc. He asked me to go to MC but right from the beginning, I could tell he was already pretty set in his decision. I got the feeling, right from the start, that he'd already made up his mind to leave us and was just doing his due diligence before making any rash decisions. He's a very methodical person and not at all prone to rash judgement, so for him to state quite clearly that he didn't know if we should be married anymore was VERY out of character and I knew...it was going to be bad,
We spent all of May and June going to MC, and again, from the first, he was "there but not there". He was totally negative, always complaining about everything I've done wrong, not really willing to work on things, and was bascially just saying he "didn't know". It was terrible. All throughout this time period, I was a complete nut case. I am a fixer, a planner, and a go-get'em type of gal, so I did what I always do when faced with tough situations...I got up and WENT. I read books, I called our priest, I signed up with a DB coach (best thing I've done!!), I bought a ream of self-help books, and I basically tried to man-handle the situation. Did everything wrong, of course...tried to control the situation, tried to talk him out of it. Tried, tried, tried. But we just simply got nowhere. We had one really bad MC session where he told the counselor he "had some hope but was basically hopeless", after which we wound up in the car arguing for the next 2 hours. It was all the usual horror show stuff -- he was "sorry", he didn't love me anymore, he wasn't "walking out on his family, he was walking out on me", and other painful, horrible stuff. Still never said he wanted to separate, but the writing was on the wall. So, I did what I felt I had to do...I asked him to move out. He was just so unyielding, I felt I had no other options. All along, of couse, the subject of another woman was denied countles times by him. I asked again and again, as did all of his friends. But nope, he swore this was just about us.
I'm sure you can guess what happened next. He sat me down in mid-July and told me he WAS seeing someone else, and it is his high-school girlfriend! As you can imagine, I was devastated. Crushed. Totally fell apart. But in a weird way, at least it all made sense. The worst part was, of course, that he said he had "feelings" for her and wasn't going to end the relationship.
Since that time, we've been separated "with no agenda", as we are calling it. He's since broken contact with the OW, but hasn't decided to officially commit to our marriage. In the meantime, I continue to try to DB, but I am constantly falling short. I have MAJOR hurdles to get over in terms of the way we communicate (I could write reams about this, but I'll spare you that for now) and it's just agony right now. We are in contact very frequently bc of the kids, and also because he seems to want to keep talking to me, which my coach Joanne has encouraged me to continue. So, we talk and text daily. But I continue to do and say all the wrong stuff, and I'm starting to get frustrated with my inability to pull myself together. Time is of the essence here, folks...if I don't get my act together and start really, really changing some of my interatctions with him, we're going to be separated permanently and I'm going to find myself a divorced mommy of 2. From a man I love with all my heart.
He's living in a temporary apartment for now...hasn't moved anything but a suitcase of clothes, and we are trying to keep the whole thing low-key for now. We told the kids we are "taking a time out to stop fighting". He is here often for dinner, and we've even gone on a date together which went surprisingly well.
BUT, it's just that we're not getting anywhere. He's still not sure if he loves me. Stlll not sure I can change. Still not sure he believes I can forgive him for the affair and not throw it back in his face if we reconcile. Still not sure how he feels about OW, even though he's not currently talking/seeing her. It's just that we're...stuck. And my behavior, which could be a catalyst for positive change, is not improving, or is only improving in small doses.
So, I need help, fellow DB'ers. I need guidance. I need 2x4's. I need people to help me shut my mouth, be a good listener, and validate. I need, well, you guys know what I need.
I appreciate you all reading about my situation. Sorry it's long, and I'm sure I've left out a ton of detail. But I sure could use whatever advice folks here might have, so chime in, please, if and when you get a chance.
Many thanks!
Me - 40 H -41 D - 8 S - 5 Bomb #1 - 5/2011 Affair revealed - 7/11 Separated - 7/11
