Just Be 2

[Denver_2010]

You're not allowing this (her, missing you) dynamic to GROW and DEVELOP.

Agreed!!!!!!!!

Denver,
You are close to doing exactly what needs to be done but are still dabbling with what "feels right" or what "feels good".

You know what Sandi's signature says.......

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Thanks MHL, Starsky... I see what you guys are saying. I feel that I am handling this better than I was a month ago.

Isn't possible that this is "growing and developing" even with the little bit of contact that I am having with her?

I haven't initiated contact with her, I haven't asked to see her, I haven't agreed to see her...

And I believe that she really is doing some thinking right now.

Sure, I'm afraid that if I cut off all contact with her that we will just drift farther and farther apart until there is nothing left.

But I also feel that I am dancing on this line of her perception of me as I USED to be... that I was never there for her.

Again, afraid that she will perceive that as me reverting to old behaviors.

Her perception is still the reality that I am dealing with IF I want to save my M.

I have to be mindful of that ... but also allow the 'her missing me' thing to grow and develop...

I may have read this incorrectly, but I really think that W sounded a bit nervous while talking to me tonight. She started the convo out by asking me, 'is it okay if I ask you?'

You are still analyzing your convo's with your W........this activity is taking your focus off of YOU and placing it on your W.

This is exactly why you are not "detached".

Absolutely it is MHL. I'm not going to lie to you guys... I am still very focused on how she is reacting to my actions. I'm still watching very closely for signs that she is turning.

I will tell you though that the one difference is that I will NOT allow myself to go back to how things were prior to this month. I will NOT agree to be a part of her life unless and until she is ready to work on the M.

NOW, IMO your W is starting to get the message up there when she asked "if it was okay to ask you."

Why did you not tell her "NO" ???????

Fear........pure, plain and simple.

Fear that she may decide to go through with the divorce....right??????

Well... not that so much MHL. Fear though. Fear that she will perceive me as reverting to old behaviors. See, I'm concerned that she will convince herself that I am reverting in order to convince herself that working on the M is a bad idea.

THAT is a very real concern IMO.

It's not that I don't see what you, Starsky, Kaffe are saying... I do. But I'm not ready to let myself detach to the point that I don't care anymore. BC if I do... then my M is over.

That is not what I want in the long run.

This would have been yet another perfect opportunity to state "why" you cannot have casual contact with her. It is also an opportunity to state that you are open to working on a R with her if and when she is ready to commit to working on it.

I have seriously contemplated this... still am.

But I'm still not sure that I can't accomplish what i'm trying to accomplish, what you guys are thinking that I need to accomplish, i.e., 'her missing me', without stopping all contact.

And I'm not sure that it is the best approach with my W IF I still want to save this.

BTW, this right here is pain. VVVVVVVVVVV

As with the contact on Thursday and Friday, this leaves me wondering what is going through my W's head.

The "wondering what is going through her head" is painful.

When you have contact.......you ponder what she says.....

When you ponder.......you experience pain.

Want to stop the pain?????

Absolutely it is. No question.

You are so close Denver..................

To what MHL? To relieving my pain but moving closer to D? I am willing to endure the pain if it is the best way to save my M...

Now how frustrated are you guys with me??

Denver