I know, people can have so many weird dating experiences (myself included!) that everyone is concerned for me. The more I get out of my own weirdness, though, the more I realize that there's really nothing bad here except maybe a guy who could be a little bit too ADD for me. Or may or may not be as into me as I would like, although when he is with me, he is all that I would want him to be.
He's definitely not a scammer. More like the pair of purple shoes perhaps.
I definitely do have to make it quite clear to him that certain behaviors (saying he will call and then not doing it) will cause me to lose interest in him, quickly. And it's good for me to get the gut check and make sure I'm not repeating old habits. But I think I can afford to give him the space to show me who he is - because there are a lot of things I really really like about this guy.
All will be revealed in time, one way or another. I need to try not to get my panties in a bunch in the meantime.
That is the point I was trying to make by talking about Josh and I. That was the early days and I had to "train" him how to be a good BF. He had most of the things down pat but the phoning was off at times and I couldn't accept that.
He would say he would call on a certain night and most of the times he did but sometimes he didn't and it drove me crazy! I'm sure it had lots to do with my insecurity post D and my lack of dating experience. Anyway - I would "hint" that he had forgotten to call and he would say he got busy or whatever. Until the time he forgot the cottage number and I nearly went nuts wondering why he didn't call. But I did not phone his hotel. I figured - he had said HE would call. So I did not do it. And we went several days with no contact (ok - not a long time but we did speak every other night at that point). Anyway - when he finally did get hold of me on my cel I acted non-chalant and it made him worry a bit that I was as into him as he was into me. And since then (7 years ago) he has NEVER missed a call.
There were other things that he wasnt so good at in the beginning but have really improved over time and me letting him know. Let me know if you want me to tell you more.
What I want to say is not so much that the job lot guy is bad, it's more that if I had set boundaries for what I would accept it would not have progressed to what happened. From day one the bad guy was not available in normal ways and I let it go. Once he knew I would accept that behavior I was in trouble.
A fine line, a gray area, and also predators know exactly what they are looking for no matter where they might find you. I put this out there not really for you kml but for others. These people know exactly what they are looking for and can find them anywhere. I know this sounds spooky but they are around. Thanks for letting me share something. Wonder
Wonder - Yeah, it's good to warn people. And if you meet someone online, meet them in real life quickly - there are definitely weirdos out there who will string you along online.
As for my Mr. Big Lots, I am reasonably sure he's not married or involved - but as a warning to others out there, some of his behaviors would be a warning flag to look for that - missing dates, coming over at odd hours etc. (He, it turns out, is just an overwhelmed slightly ADD doofus - but I am not lowering my antennae yet!)
Wonder: I think you have a really important message for everyone. Just be aware. Set high standards for yourself - you deserve it. We tend to attract what we feel we deserve and sometimes our sense of self worth is a bit skewed after a hottible divorce like we all went through.
I watch Dr Phil a lot. He often has women on who fall for overseas guys (often from Nigeria) who convince them they love them and it is amazing how these women would do ANYTHING for them. Even when the scam is exposed - they can't let go of the pseudo relationship. They are in love with the fantasy.
Not saying this was you, Wonder, but it really does start with not listening to your inner voice. Your intuition. Your feeling that something is just not right.
Ask the hard questions. Try to see if the answers are consistent. I Googled prospective dates. I asked questions (during conversation) about where he lived, where he worked, about friends, former Rs etc. of course - how would I know? Often these guys are pro liars.
But you need to meet others in their life early on. See where they live (to make sure they are not married). and Check out the facts. If you don't know some of the facts after a month or 2 - there may be good reason he has been holding back on some info. Ask yourself if there is anything that doesn't add up.
Just some thoughts as far as trusting early on with a new partner
KD: I don't think anyone here was aiming for perfect in a new R. When I mentioned setting high standards - I meant - not settling for less than you deserve. Such as someone not that "Into" you, someone with bad habits, or a bad job history, or debt with no repayment plan or who cheated on their last partner, or who was a deadbeat to their kids or who just wanted sex and no relationship or who was a bit abusive in words or actions etc. Not once did I ever mean "Perfect". But after all we went through - who wouldn't want someone "Good" for them. If you just wanted someone, anyone - why bother at all? So many risks - emotionally, physically, STDs etc. Safer to just stay home - IMHO.
So, please don't confuse what I meant in what to look for in a new person. I listed things I hoped for in a compatible person. I got some of the things on the list, but not all. I did end up with the one I found most suitable. But then - he found those things in me too.
In addition to wanting those features in someone else - you need to work on yourself to be the best person YOU can be. And then, sometimes - you don't even have to go looking. Someone else will find you.
Thanks Barb. One of the outcomes of D is that I now find it hard to make my needs known. In my r with exh I just used to demand and it wasn't a nice trait, after LRT I seem to be the opposite. So I'm trying work out how to effectively express my needs or wants without nagging.
My bf is very good and loving just a few minor things to iron out good to hear your experience. If I think of more q's I may ask if that's ok.
good to hear your experience. If I think of more q's I may ask if that's ok.