I just want to preface this by saying that myself and my husband are common law married. Approximately three years ago I found out that my H had an affair. With more than one woman. This happened right after we had our first child. Of course, I was devastated and very angry.
Before I found out that he had cheated he had already moved out. Said that he was tired of doing all the laundry (what?) and that he was financially stressed, but he still wanted the right to come and go as he pleased. Right before I found out that he had cheated I learned that I was pregnant with our second child. To his credit, he really did turn himself around. We moved into a new house within six months, but I was still angry, became depressed, distrustful and had low self esteem. In addition, he never stopped having an EA with his ex. Kept saying that they were just friends when I confronted him about it.
I asked him to go to couples counseling, to which he agreed about a year ago. He really liked the therapist at first, then he kept coming up with excuses not to go. At our last session I gave him an ultimatum - stop talking to her or I'm out. For about six months he did stop. He told me that was his wake up call. Things were not perfect, but they were much better. I was to the point where I could almost trust him again.
This summer, we have had a series of terrible fights. We agreed to end our relationship, but a lot of things were said in anger. Said that he loved me but that he wanted to have an open relationship. Also said that he had resumed talking to the ex. He told me that I had made him feel terrible by not supporting him and that he never wanted to feel that way again.
I finally figured out that I was depressed and had low self esteem. I immediately started to do things to make myself feel better. Started working out, eating more healthy, looking for a good job with benefits. I even tried to work on our relationship by being less confrontational, more supportive, etc. His response was extremely positive - more loving, talking about our future, and had even asked to go out on a date. Unfortunately, I had a moment of weakness when he left his cell phone at home. Confronted the OW and the end result was extreme anger on his part. I ended up sleeping in the extra bedroom for three days.
We have since talked briefly about the situation. While there was no screaming, I was furious and he was livid. I gave him a letter saying that I think he has always compared me to her and that he hasn't been happy for years. In past conversations he says that he wants to end things so that I will 'wake up.' Said that he wanted to make things official, but couldn't because he's not happy. He always says that, but when I ask him what he's doing to make himself happy he never has a response.
So here's where I am. He just started working a physically demanding job. Leaves at the crack of down and returns home exhausted. Very little time for anything but work and spending time with the kids. I'm don't know whether I should go back to what I was doing as it appeared to be working fairly well, or if its time for a 180. We still sleep in the same bedroom. He's affectionate, but I know that he's hurt. The confrontation may have caused issues, however, I am no longer angry at either of them. I have felt jealousy, anger and despair for three years. I have forgiven myself and them.
