Treading water - time and patience

[NYCPeter]

Well I wish I would practice what I preached. If my W says something that isn't what I want I steer the conversation back to R talk - and it's not doing us any good, particularly as I know what she told her friend over the weekend.

We went to the show - it felt like I was sitting next to my sister, no touching, a peck on the cheek when we met outside.
The show was great and we both enjoyed it, we went straight home as my MIL was babysitting and had a late supper together. Conversation while we were eating was good and pleasant.

As my W got up to go to bed, she thanked me for the night out and said she had a good time....

Now where I blow it...

Me - "Great - I really want to do it again some time".
W - Doesn't say anything for a while.
Me - "Does that mean you don't"
W - "I'm not sure".
Me - "I don't understand why if you had a good time you wouldn't want to do it again"
W - "I don't know"

Me - "Where is this going, I don't get it"
W - "I feel like we are friends"
Me - "I would like more than that".
W - "I don't know I can offer more than that"
Me - "Well I'm not willing to give up - I am going to do everything I can to save our R, I hope you understand. The only way I will stop being a husband or a father is if I was forced to legally or a third party was involved".
W - "You will always be a father"
Me - "I do not want to be a part-time father - what do you want out of this "R"
W - "I don't know - what do you want".
Me - "You know what I want, for us to be a family and to be happy"
W - Says nothing for a while
Me - "Do you have anything to say?"
W - "Not right now - Goodnight"
Me - Go outside for a cigarette (yes I started smoking a couple of monthe back after quitting for a year).

I know I am pursuing - when she says something I don't want to hear, I question why and cannot stop myself.

We're going to the second MC session tomorrow and we haven't worked on any of our homework as we've hardly seen each other.
W is taking the girls to the lakehouse next week - I think it may be good to have a break, even though I will miss them all very badly.

I am then off for a week and we're supposed to go to the beach for a couple of days and spend the rest of the week on day trips.

I know I did wrong last night - and really don't know how to stop myself.