Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

So things continue to progress slowly. Following our cruise, life kind of went back to normal. But normal is a changing thing. About a week after getting back, H and I had an emotional discussion. During which time, a milestone occurred. He finally said ILY. I have purposefully not said it to him although lately, it was hard not to. I realized myself that we had grown apart in many ways. But as our R has matured, I had a hard time not saying it. So I'd throw it in an occasional email so that he wouldn't feel obligated to say it right back. But during our conversation, he said it and apologized for it taking so long for him to realize it. He said a lot of things that evening, some of which I posted in an alternate post because I thought it was rather interesting. The most profound statement he made was when discussing his time away. He said,

You showed me that you didn’t need me in your life. And you showed me that you were enjoying your life without me. And it STUNG.

Although it was an emotional discussion, I still tried to keep my composure. I know that much of this MLC journey has made me some what of a cynic. While I don't disbelieve anything he says, I also know that he said many similar expressions of love shortly before dropping the bomb. So a part of me is always on guard. Something I just need to work on I suppose.

A few days after that conversation, we had another one. This one was after drinks and both of us were not in a state where we should be having conversations like that. Nevertheless, we did. And some things came out in such a way that kind of kicked me in the face slightly. He still has a lot of MLC issues he's dealing with. In a lot of ways, he feels insignificant in the world. A lot of despair. And he said that he was at home because it was the right thing to do. But he just has so much despair. That was a stark contrast to the previous conversation of "ILY and I'm glad I'm with you blah blah blah". It was a bit upsetting to me because once again it started to seem like he had "settled" for us and our marriage and our family rather than genuinely WANTING to be here.

The next morning, he sent me very flirtatious texts while I was at work and I had a hard time knowing how to respond. It was sweet but it felt weird given the previous night's conversations. He sensed my awkwardness and asked if everything was OK and if he was being inappropriate. I told him that he wasn't being inappropriate, it was just weird to hear him say that he's unhappy in life, is only around out of duty, has pretty much given up on finding happiness, but let's fool around later because I like you a lot. At that point, he admitted that he didn't remember a whole lot of specifics about the previous night's conversation but that if that was the gist of what he said, then he said it very badly and we should probably discuss things while sober.

We never had a formal conversation after that, but in brief conversations he's said he's glad to be home and that he wouldn't do it out of a sense of duty. He came back because of the changes he saw in me. Without that he would not have returned. The fact that it's the right thing to do just makes it that much better. So like always, a continuing work in progress.

Another milestone that happened recently is that finally most of the furniture that's been laying around the house from his apartment has gotten somewhat put away. From the beginning, I chose NOT to put his stuff away because I sensed that it caused him a lot of anxiety. Anytime he would work towards putting stuff away, he freaked out. He was questioning his decision to move back for quite some time. And as you may recall, he spent many nights at a hotel due to his anxieties. But fortunately, that's all in the past. The stuff was starting to bug him no longer due to anxieties but because it was just in the way. While I was working last weekend, he got the house looking quite good. We still have a lot of stuff in the garage that we'll probably end up selling, but its WAY better than it was.

He still has his occasional anxiety attacks. In fact he had one while we were having our drunk discussion. The difference that I saw is that before, he seemed to get beat down and really succumb under pressure to those attacks. This time, he was clearly having one, but he didn't really acknowledge it all that much and seemed to have a "I'm gonna kick this anxiety attack's ass" mentality rather than "this attack is kicking my ass" mentality. So slow progress.

On another note, the xOW still definitely has me on her mind. As I mentioned, she unblocked me once we returned from our cruise which meant she could definitely see the pics I posted. Shortly after that, she reblocked me. Only to change her mind once again and now I'm not blocked. She shares a name with my sister in law so anytime I enter the name in FB to go to my sister in law's page, she either shows up or she doesn't. That's why it's so apparent. I don't know and haven't asked how much contact H continues to have with her. I thought about asking during our conversations but it didn't seem right. I DO know that one of the first things I noticed prior to H dropping the bomb was that he put a passcode on his phone. He's had it on there for about a year and a half. But recently I noticed he no longer has it. Yet another sign that he's feeling more at home at home I suppose.

Our anniversary is exactly one month from today. I still haven't discussed plans with him and to be honest it feels weird given how weird and unmentioned last year's anniversary was. It's probably best to keep the plans small and see what happens!