To DB, or not to DB, that is the question.

[Endeavour]

BTW, I can't file for D in my neck of the woods until we've been separated for 12 months so that's not an option for me anyway...

But I am considering a LRT email.

I'm going to draft it up in the next couple days and then sit on it for awhile.

[jbnati]

But I'm not exactly sure how to be more compatible with him though because he claims we have nothing in common, aside from the kids, going out for dinner and watching movies. He likes things like hockey, fishing and camping in a tent.

I can see how that would make it hard. Would you be willing to try a limited version of anything? Are you talking about him playing hockey? That might be a little extreme. But maybe you could go to a hockey game. Of course, he has to be accommodating. And eventually, I think he needs to try some of your interests. Is there anything else?

I've asked him what he means by "compatible" and he can't define it.

If he could define it, what would his excuse be to bomb drop?

[Endeavour]

Yes, both playing and watching hockey. As far as other interests, he likes going to concerts but usually goes alone or with our D16. We've only been to one together in the last few years. He promised he was going to get tickets for the two of us for a concert last year but never followed through.

Looking back, he hasn't made much effort in our relationship for the past year. Right around the time he stopped saying, "I love you".

I've asked him what he means by "compatible" and he can't define it.

If he could define it, what would his excuse be to bomb drop?

Good point. It's just an excuse or his way of labeling it. I think the real reason for the bomb drop is that he's angry. He told me 3 times on the weekend (once via text) that he's just beginning to realize that he's been very angry at me for the past couple years.

I didn't notice especially when he was screaming at me to go find my Prince Charming.

[Endeavour]

Unfortunately, my PMA is pretty low today.

Many of the things my H has said to me lately have been weighing heavily on my mind.

I wrote him an email letting him know that I have accepted his statement that this M is hopeless and that I can no longer be in a marriage that is always being threatened with D.

Even when he was in, he wasn't completely in. From the beginning.

I was thinking today that this is what he knows. His parents did this back and forth thing for 16 years after they first separated, and his Dad put his Mom through emotional hell.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sad.

I haven't hit SEND yet but I'm very tempted.

[jbnati]

(((E)))) I am sorry you're going through this today. I think it's part of the roller coaster unfortunately.

Many of the things my H has said to me lately have been weighing heavily on my mind.

Remember, he's the one that's miserable. That doesn't mean you have to be.

I wrote him an email letting him know that I have accepted his statement that this M is hopeless and that I can no longer be in a marriage that is always being threatened with D.

Only you know for sure, but I'm not so sure you're drinking his Kool-Aid that the M is hopeless. Also, it's a good step to write the letter and hang on to it - for YOU. I've seen some other folks run letters by the message board, too - maybe that's a consideration. I think it's reasonable to not want to be in a M that is constantly threatened by D.

I was thinking today that this is what he knows. His parents did this back and forth thing for 16 years after they first separated, and his Dad put his Mom through emotional hell.

It sounds to me like you've hit on a root cause here. If you can find a way to break the cycle, that sounds like it would be key to getting your M where it needs to be.

[Endeavour]

Thanks, jb. (( )) to you too as I know you had a uncomfortable interaction with your W last night and a conversation this morning that you felt wasn't your best DB'ing.

Anyway, I feel a bit pathetic for being so negative and wasting my afternoon writing my H a letter, but I didn't get much sleep so that probably explains it. Got to love that rollercoaster.

Yes, I do think it's reasonable to not want to be in a M with the threat of D always looming.

But I have to take responsibility for my choices and for my mistakes, or perhaps for what turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I fully own that I have contributed to this sitch due to my fears.

As for his family pattern, I'm not sure I can be the one to break it. I think that might be his decision. Very much like I choose not to hit my children even though that is what I grew up with but I do know what you mean.

I think I will tweak the letter before (or if) I decide to post it. I need to summarize because...um...not that anyone would have noticed... but I tend to babble on a tad too much sometimes.

[jbnati]

Anyway, I feel a bit pathetic for being so negative and wasting my afternoon writing my H a letter, but I didn't get much sleep so that probably explains it. Got to love that rollercoaster.

Don't think about yourself as pathetic at all for writing your H a letter! Sometimes, at the very least it can be helpful for YOU. Yep - lack of sleep can always have a hand in this, too.

But I have to take responsibility for my choices and for my mistakes, or perhaps for what turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I fully own that I have contributed to this sitch due to my fears.

You do have to own your part in it. We've all contributed to our situations, but it's not all us either.

As for his family pattern, I'm not sure I can be the one to break it. I think that might be his decision.

I do agree with you. It does need to be set in motion somehow. It's really not your responsibility. However, you can't live with this cycle either. It's no way to live.

I think I will tweak the letter before (or if) I decide to post it. I need to summarize because...um...not that anyone would have noticed... but I tend to babble on a tad too much sometimes.

With that being said, if you do end up writing him a letter, you may need to summarize it for him, too - essentially keep it simple. Unless you can incorporate the smilies from here in your letter. (I have noticed it looks like you like them on here - it's OK by me because I like them, too)

[Endeavour]

jbnati, thanks as always for your insight.

Yes, I do enjoy the smilies. They're kind of silly and it adds some fun to a place that can be rather depressing at times. Inspiring though, definitely inspiring as well.

So I was going to send that "summarized" email to H this evening. But then in the middle of the day, he sent me a text (he's away on business):



H: You are a very strong and intelligent woman. More so than I probably give you credit for.

M: Thank you. I probably don't give you credit for as many things as I should either.

H: Thank you for saying that. You are also very compassionate to others and intuitive.

M: Not always.

H: A lot. I appreciate you giving me some space. Know it must be hard. But thank you.

M: You're welcome.


So just as I'm about to send him an "I can't do this anymore" email, he shares these thoughts with me. Obviously, this is a huge 180 from a couple weeks ago when he was telling me he had no respect for me and didn't even like me. It's nice to hear but I'm leery of course. I was so sure about sending the email for the better part of the day and now I'm back to wondering if I'm making the right decision. I guess sleeping on it for another night can't hurt.

[jbnati]

E -
I'm especially fond of the crazy smiley myself, but I like the confused one pretty well, too.

Take all the time you need to send that email. There's plenty of people around here that can offer you crack opinions on it if you wish to share it.

Take the positives from this. Keep an even keel. I think being a little leery about the text exchange is not a bad thing. You already know his pattern. Up and down, hot and cold, etc. You can only hope he's 100% sincere, but you know what say around here - "Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do".

[Psych77]

Yup, I'll offer you a crack opinion. If by that you mean an opinion from someone who is cracked !

It is amazing, isn't it, how well someone like that can become more themselves and more pleasant when given more space (even if only by circumstances)?

This should not lead you to the conclusion that you are better apart than together, though.

In fact, I think it fits right in with my theory that he is expecting that a "good" relationship will be "perfect."

Here is the way I envision it: When you are together, there is minor friction between the two of you, because you live in the real world (as opposed to the "dating" world before you were living together - where you both covered up all your faults and showed only your best face, if you followed conventional dating practice). The little bit of friction makes him feel that the relationship is not perfect, planting in him the doubt that it might not be the right match. This makes him uneasy, more irritable, and further friction gets a disproportionate response from him, to which you react with surprise and anger (well, he is being unreasonable!), and from there it escalates.

Does that ring true?

Honestly, in a way, I think H needs to GAL! Not that he doesn't have things that matter to him, but I think he needs to have a strong enough sense of who he is that an argument between the two of you doesn't shatter his world. Of course, you cannot bring him to that conclusion. Heck, I'm having trouble bringing myself to that conclusion! It's a lot to change.

I'm really rooting for your marriage (praying, too). But if you did bail, I really couldn't blame you. I get the sense that he is really lucky to have you, and he just needs to wake up and see that.

Just a funny thought, for you to take or leave: Next time you two disagree, and he seems to be getting irritated, stop, kiss him ON THE NOSE, give him a huge grin , and tell him, "You're cute," (or some other such mild endearment) and see how he responds ! You might just derail him and open his ears long enough to tell him that your disagreement doesn't have to negate the feelings you have for each other. It may surprise you. Or, at least, it might be funny to hear how it pans out .