E, you have a lot on your plate: an emotionally immature H who has,or had,a drinking problem; a child suffering from depression and an eating disorder, and your own experiences with emotional and physical abuse at the hands of your parents.
Do you feel like you need to "be there" for everyone, especially your H?
What would happen if you did tell him that you've had enough of his behavior? If you set your boundary that you will not tolerate his on-again, off-again approach to your marriage?
Perhaps he does need to see you pulling away to knock some sense into his head.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Hey Endeavor, thanks for posting on my thread...sometimes I feel like I just talk to myself all day long. I suppose my journaling is tedious. I have made some breakthroughs this week - not really sure if they are real or if I can trust them at all. I would like to but I am trying to have no expectations and be VERY patient (two virtues that have eluded me my entire life.
I like to read the sitches of those who post on my thread but I have rarely been brave enough to venture onto their threads and offer anything (I feel like too much of a novice and such a failure most of the time). Anyway, something on your very first post caught my eye. Aside from the fact that you obviously like to read R books, you mentioned that maybe you are co-dependent.
I have noticed that this topic has come up a number of times in this forum. I don't know a whole lot about what it means but I know that it carries negative connotations. I can remember watching Oprah 20 years ago and a couple on there talking about how to break free of codependency. Even then I thought it was a ridiculous notion to think it was bad for someone to depend on someone else for happiness. I certainly depend on my H for much of my happiness and I am not embarrassed by it at all. He makes me happy, especially when I make him happy. To me, that is what M is all about.
Anyway, I don't know if you have read it, but I just picked up a book my MC recommended, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson. I think you would like it. Plus as I read from some of your descriptions of conversations with your H, this book could help you break out of the destructive loops couples get into.
Our H's have some similarities it sounds, we could trade stories. Hang in there.
Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5 T: 15/ M: 8 Rock bottom: 4/11 ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before Gaining acceptance: 8/11
You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi
E, you have a lot on your plate: an emotionally immature H who has,or had,a drinking problem; a child suffering from depression and an eating disorder, and your own experiences with emotional and physical abuse at the hands of your parents.
Do you feel like you need to "be there" for everyone, especially your H?
What would happen if you did tell him that you've had enough of his behavior? If you set your boundary that you will not tolerate his on-again, off-again approach to your marriage?
Perhaps he does need to see you pulling away to knock some sense into his head.
I don't know about you, Endeavour, but I am thinking Telemark is pretty stinkin' smart! YES, YES, YES to everything said here.
Thanks, jb. I'm hanging in there. So many people on here inspire me and you're definitely one of them.
Anyway, I hope my H isn't putting on a charade by reading the R books but after some of what I've read on this forum...
Originally Posted By: Telemark
Do you feel like you need to "be there" for everyone, especially your H?
What would happen if you did tell him that you've had enough of his behavior? If you set your boundary that you will not tolerate his on-again, off-again approach to your marriage?
Perhaps he does need to see you pulling away to knock some sense into his head.
Yes, to your first question. I also feel like I have to "fix" everything or our family will fall apart.
Like I've admitted though, I've made terrible mistakes as well. Once a couple years ago during a horrible fight, I told my H that I hated him for everything he had put me through.
Maybe in some way, I feel like I deserve this...
As for boundaries, I know they need to be clearer but I don't know exactly what that looks like, or what is DB'ing, or even if I should be DB'ing the M? Confusion is apparently contagious.
Does setting a boundary mean telling him that he needs to move out IF as he claims, he can't do this anymore?
Or does it mean telling him that if he truly believes that we're incompatible and that he doesn't see himself getting old with me, then I don't want to be with him?
I did say to him during our last R talk that I didn't want our old M back because it never truly made me happy. His response was to cry and say that he was truly sorry for everything he had done to hurt me.
Each time he says he can't do this anymore, he opens up and starts sharing his hurts and validating mine. Then wants to discuss the R books once again.
During our last R talk, he asked if I like sex. Then added that he could never get over me cheating on him. I'm lying there thinking, "I thought you were leaving."
Maybe this is all his way of seeking closure?
It's madness.
Which brings me back to needing a strong man. A man that can make me feel safe. That can lead me sometimes.
Anyway, thank-you for stopping by with your thoughts, Telemark. I've noticed many of your posts to other members in the past few days and I think you're very articulate. I'm going to tackle your threads next.
Setting YOUR boundaries, which is FOR YOU... A boundary is something YOU can control.
You can't control him moving out, so it is not setting a boundary of telling him to leave if he won't get his head out of his butt.
What you can do is set a boundary that you will not tolerate any him speaking down at you or disrespecting you, therefore you will leave the conversation if he does that.
What you can do is set a boundary that you will not tolerate any him speaking down at you or disrespecting you, therefore you will leave the conversation if he does that.
Make sense?
Apparently, I'm dense because no, it's still not making sense.
I did tell him in April that I would no longer tolerate him swearing at me, or not speaking to me for days. Neither of these things has happened since and if they were to occur again, I would definitely leave the room (when it comes to the swearing).
He's not name-calling or attacking my character right now. He's just telling me he doesn't see himself getting old with me, or that we're not compatible, etc. Even when he texted me more of his list on Sunday, he prefaced it by saying he wasn't trying to heap all the blame on me.
He's actually being more affectionate and apologetic lately.
I did tell him in April that I would no longer tolerate him swearing at me, or not speaking to me for days. Neither of these things has happened since and if they were to occur again, I would definitely leave the room (when it comes to the swearing).
OK, that's good.
You don't even have to state a boundary, although it's often "right" to give fair warning...
A boundary must be enforceable.
So as above, if he swears, you leave the room... or hang up the phone... eventually, he'll stop... as you say, he's already not doing those things and you didn't have to enforce the boundary.
Originally Posted By: Endeavour
He's just telling me he doesn't see himself getting old with me, or that we're not compatible, etc. Even when he texted me more of his list on Sunday, he prefaced it by saying he wasn't trying to heap all the blame on me.
Stuff like the above ^^^^ cannot be directly set as a boundary.
Except... through EXTREME LRT... the boundary being, "I will not stay in a M with someone who is not willing to work on the M."
The enforcement would be to file D...
That's a boundary that most people aren't willing to do...
But re framing some of the above might allow for a boundary.
But rather, it may be better to set up 180s to deal with it...
Become someone he wants to grow old with...
become someone he's compatible with...
But ONLY if it is right for you. Become a woman only a fool would leave...
But I'm not exactly sure how to be more compatible with him though because he claims we have nothing in common, aside from the kids, going out for dinner and watching movies. He likes things like hockey, fishing and camping in a tent.
I don't like any of those things.
I don't have a single female friend that does either.
I've asked him what he means by "compatible" and he can't define it. But the only solid example I could get out of him was that he sees himself travelling through the US and Canada in a RV when he's in his 60's. I'd rather travel through Europe. And sleep in hotels.
So apparently dumping his wife to eventually meet a woman that wants to travel via RV makes sense to him?
