I have also noticed that I have subconsciously distanced myself from OW since having contact with W on Thursday. OW and I went out on Sunday night, but even though I was there physically, my head was not.
Last night OW texted me to ask me if I was okay bc I have been so quiet. I admit that I lied and said that I was.
Sounds like you're in a tough place, Denver. I've been where you are and I recall how hard it was.
At one point, fairly soon after the bomb, I made a commitment to myself, long before I discovered DB, that I would learn as much as I could from my circumstances and stay away from other women for a year and then reevaluate my situation.
Sure enough, at almost exactly the year mark, I was contacted by a very interesting woman who told me she had heard a lot about me and would I be interested in a friendship. I told her exactly where my head was at and I was clear that I was not available for anything more than friendship. I took her up on her offer and I learned a lot about myself from our friendship.
One of the things I decided to do that was very valuable for me was to make a conscious effort to be as honest as I possibly could with this woman from the very beginning.
Before the bomb I'd had control issues without realizing the extent of it. I'm not talking about Stalker control issues but the kind of control issues I think most people have whether they realize it or not. I tried to manage people's emotions by deciding for them what I thought they could handle or 'protecting' them from what I anticipated would be their reactions to things I was thinking of saying or doing or had done. I tried to manage the way people would perceive me by modifying what I shared with them and how to suit the circumstances. I still wrestle with these things but for most of my life I considered them skills, not a handicap, and I was very successful with it both personally and professionally (I'm also a defense lawyer).
I believe differently now, partly because I was able to watch myself in my interactions with this OW and see my relating 'style'. Because I was still hung up on my W and not looking for anything, I was able to be totally honest with this woman. Ironically, but predictably in retrospect, this level of honesty brought us very close, very fast. But that's another story I tried to warn you about earlier.
I've discovered I am most open to new ideas when I'm in great pain. I suspect you may be the same and that you are there right now. It's for this reason I ask you to consider taking a minute and asking yourself why you lied to OW. What were you trying to protect by not being honest? Why is it important to you to protect that? What fear is at the heart of that small deception?
I think if you follow that rabbit hole you might discover something useful about yourself.
