I can't work out how I can forgive myself. My DB coach has said I have to forgive myself and I don't know how. I can't stop looking back at my behavior and taking my W for granted and not demonstrating my appreciation for her. I feel like I have stuffed up so badly and ruined something that was so great. I feel that the fact that she is being so unforgiving with me, is making it so hard my me to think otherwise and not take the blame. It just feels worse and worse and I feel like I will never find someone who will compete with her and what we had. Sorry for all the down messages lately......reality is starting to set in and I miss her more and more every day.....no contact really hurts.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
I can't work out how I can forgive myself. My DB coach has said I have to forgive myself and I don't know how. I can't stop looking back at my behavior and taking my W for granted and not demonstrating my appreciation for her.
You have confronted yourself. You have taken ownership of your 'issues.' You recognize what you did, you are taking responsibility for changing it. You are not continuing to do it. You would like to do it differently in the future. Am I missing something?
You will always have remorse for your past mistakes, but you aren't going to let it define your future, are you?
If you feel like you are deficient in seeking forgiveness the Chapman Book, 5 Language of Apology may be worth reading for some ideas.
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I feel that the fact that she is being so unforgiving with me, is making it so hard my me to think otherwise and not take the blame.
Think about that statement a little. If you were not really sorry, but apologized anyways for the sake of expediency, and your wife forgave you, would it make you sincerely sorry?
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Sorry for all the down messages lately......reality is starting to set in and I miss her more and more every day.....no contact really hurts.
It sounds like you really miss her a lot, and miss the contact of the day to day life. It sounds like the more real this becomes the harder it feels for you. Those are all very normal feelings that you are having and don't require any kind of apology.
What are your goals for Cam?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I know it's hard to forgive yourself, I struggled with it also, but it is important that you do. You cannot move forward if you keep looking back, and beating yourself up over it won't allow you to grow and change.
You are not a horrible person. You did some messed up things. You own that. Yesterday doesn't matter. Today is what is important and you know you are no longer that person.
It's hard and it hurts, but forgive yourself. You deserve it.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
You have to own your mistakes. I drove mine away by refusing sex. I initially felt like I ruined my family. But my counsellor has got me through this and although I was part of the reason that H left he is also responsible. He didn't have to walk. He could have talked to me and tried to fix it. So yes you are to blame but you are only 50% responsible and now that you know your mistakes you are a better person and will learn from this whole situation.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Thanks julz. It just [censored] that we know our mistakes and we don't get a second chance to redeem ourselves and prove our S wrong. That's the hardest part to take.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
It is Cam as I feel my situation could easily be fixed if he gave me a second chance. But instead he just walked and then can't work out why I didn't see it coming. Marriage isn't easy - people need to communicate if they aren't happy!
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
So I had a girl contact me through facebook that I used to see 10 yrs ago, wanting to catch up. I'm not sure what to do, or what the rules are on dating, if that's what it even is. She is a nice girl and we got on great, but I'm so confused. The only girl I want to be dating doesn't want to know me. I don't know if it's part of the moving on process or it will just make things worse as I will be comparing her to my W the whole time. Any thoughts on whether this is a smart or dumb move??
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Personally, I would get together with her, but be completely honest with her and with yourself about where you are in your life.
I've been out with a couple of old girl friends lately (that's old friends that are girls, not former girlfriends) that I had lost touch with. Absolutely platonic...on my end at any rate; not sure what their motives were/are, but it doesn't matter. I let them know what's going on with me, just so there's no uncertainty. Had a great time, and they're both people who genuinely like me and are concerned about what I'm going through, so now I've got a couple more friends to help pick me up and dust me off when I'm having a hard time doing it myself.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
