Thanks Everyone for all your replies - especially the harsh honest ones. I need that!
I think GAL is a great idea and will take on board some of the other suggestions around taking things slow and rebuilding a new relationship rather than looking back but at the same time addressing the reasons our relationship failed.
The thing is we were so in love when we were young and I watch our wedding video and look back through our adventures and just think it was there it was real and we must be able to get that back. That probably sounds really naive and simplistic. Having kids involved in elite sports hasn't helped it meant lots of time committment, lots of time away, lots of money, and focusing on the kids more than us which was a huge mistake. The kids are great and i am really grateful they are so good and we don't have any hassles with them so from that respect it was all worth it they really are wonderful. He worked out of town for a couple of years and it was lonely and i was so tired, the kids were younger and I just needed a break from them when he was home on the weekends and thats probably when we really started to grow apart. I was a stay at home mum most of these years and following the separation I am now a business woman i suppose and completely self sufficient. Going back to work did wonders for my self esteem and I must say I should have done it years ago and i really think it would have made a difference to my own development as person and how I saw myself.
In answer to some of the questions we have remained friends throughout but yes I think he is bitter and angry at me still and I dont blame him. We rise above any feelings and do celebrate things together with our kids and work well together when we have to with no animosity or undertones etc.. we still do parent teacher interviews, go to events, celebrate the kids birthdays together. Coomunicate pretty much daily to sort out things with the kids, mainly by email and text.
When I read aloneat35's post I thought oh no I sound like a terrible person that doesnt look good written that way. Its an awful feeling realising you are a sad needy person with remorse and guilt about past actions.
I know I will get through this either way it goes its just like treading water instead of swimming ahead at the moment. I also know i have pretty unrealistic expectations and why would he ever trust me and so on...
