Just Be 2

[Denver_2010]

Can you tell me/us who ultimately filed for D in your sitch MHL? If it was you, how did your W react to that? Has she shown any sign of regret? And what finally caused you, or allowed you, to make that decision?

I am the one who filed. After August 2010 things started to change in me, it is hard to describe. I started to let go not so much of her but more of letting go of what I wanted.

I do remember talking to Mach one day before I was to meet my W and he said "when you talk to her, take everything you want out of the conversation.....always keep in your mind what she wants".

When I did that I could see the puzzlement in her eyes, the surprise.....she was no longer having to pull away from me......that was the first time I could see DBing really working.

However there was an unexpected feeling.....inside me. I was finally free of this desire that had been plaguing me. The desire to pull my W back to me. In the process of setting her free I also set myself free.

After that things started happening quickly for me, I ran back through every emotion I ever had very quickly and I arrived at a place of peace, I was still standing for my marriage but it was not neccessary for me to be happy.......I was already HAPPY.

Over the next couple of months I was trully doing things for me and then in late October 2010, it really culminated for me, I think I captured it in this post......

Paroled !!! MLC prison no more!!!

About 3 weeks after that I filed......

This is what I wrote, I hope it answers your questions....

It has taken a while to get where I am today and believe me it is not where I thought I was headed but you know what I have found?????

Happiness

Happiness with me, pure plain and simple. I can honestly say that I have traveled through the depths of hell and have come out on the other side a stronger, more confident, more self aware, more loving, more forgiving man. I like who I have become and while I do not want to go through what I have been through the last 18 months again.....it was neccessary to arrive the place I am at today.

19 years ago I met and fell in love with the woman that would become my wife and the mother of my children. I still love that woman today, and it is more than just loving her because she is the "mother of my children".

I LOVE her, always will.........our marriage however, is over.

On Wednesday, November 17, 2010, I went to the courthouse and filed for divorce.

For the technical details of the matter we have been separated for over 14 months, had a legal separation drawn up and it was signed in May 2010. We have shared custody of our 2 children, no money is exchanged for ailimony nor child support. I kept the house and almost everything in it, the kids are with me most of the time and they seem to be okay......yes, I am lucky.

I am not sad about this, quite the contrary. I am relieved, a weight has been lifted. I am no longer burdened with trying to hold up a marriage that is dead and gone and one that I do not want back......ever. It was a marriage filled with many good memories and as I recall it, I can say that is was good, I have mourned the loss and have accepted it and I am moving on.

I filed for me.

I did not file because I was,

Angry
Tired
Fed up
Disrespected
Unhappy
in Love with someone else
to get back at my wife
or to get my wife back

I filed for divorce because it was time for me to no longer be identified as separated, or as a husband, or in a relationship or in any other manner otherthan as a MAN and a FATHER.

I have not been defined by my marriage for a long time and yet it was still there, an empty shell of what it used to be. I was no longer "holding on to it" but I was burdened by the fact that it was still there, like a piece of furniture in my house that I do not want and yet I keep stepping around it.

Everyone's journey is unique and different as is mine, however we all came her seeking the same thing......to save our marriages. What I have found and what I think is the premise of MWD's Divorce Remedy is that in order to save your marriage you must first save yourself.

This journey I am on was once decribed to me as a walk from New York to L.A. (thank you Mach) and you have to start out with these tiny little baby steps on the boardwalk of Coney Island. You can't even begin to think about L.A. b/c if you do you would just give up. Well you start stepping and you focus on your feet making sure not to mess up, slowly picking up speed, walking then maybe at times running. Somewhere along the way you take a rest and turn around and see just how far you have come, so you look back, but not for long, because you want to continue your journey. So you turnaround and start stepping again but something has changed..........

You find that you are no longer headed to L.A........how did this happen? When you are genuinely focusing on you and your life you really stop focusing on the marriage and you start following a path that is best for YOU, that path may not lead back to your marriage but you will find that you like the path you are on.

I like the path that I am on.

So many good things have happened for me over the last several weeks and they continue to happen........it is nothing short of amazing. I am not going to repeat them as this post is already long enough, read the beginning of this thread it is all there.

I have reached a place of peace, contentment and most of all HAPPINESS. I did not know I was getting to this place, I just realized it Wednesday at lunch time.....literally. I just knew it, I don't think it is something you work at, rather you arrive at it and you will know it when you get there. Really hard to put into words.

Big question now.......what is ahead for missherlove ?

I don't know what is ahead, this journey I am on has no destination but I am on it nonetheless and I am enjoying the scenery as I go. (For those of you wondering that includes dating) I am making plans, for my kids to play sports, excel at school, go to college, for me I want to travel, fix up my house and advance my career. Along the way I may find someone to share that experience with me, could be anyone......

including my soon to be ex-wife........surprised????

I'm not. Like I said before, I still love her and I still miss her love........

BUT

I do not NEED her love.........big difference.

I am not holding out for her but the door is not closed, in fact I would say the door is wide open.......

I have one door and anyone could walk through it....(Grit and Eric...stay away!) Who knows what the future may hold, I don't.......

but I do know that I have found happiness inside of me and I am going to keep that happiness alive!!!!

I will still be around here, not going anywhere, not changing my screen name (I am still MHL), and I hope to pay it forward.

I also hope to continue to be challenged by my friends here. I would go through some cathardic thank you and begin to list everyone that ever posted to me or that I have posted to but invariably I would leave someone out and ALL my friends mean way to much to me to risk doing that.

I am thankful for this forum, my life is changed forever because of it.....I hope that I can pay back a fraction of what it has done for me.

Always remember.....

Life is good and it is good to be alive!!!!!

Cheers

My W did not have a reaction at the time, I am pretty sure she was dating the third or fourth guy since the Bomb and was probably relieved that she did not have to pay the $191 filing fee.

She was no different than many others that say they want a divorce and then do nothing about it. In North Carolina you have to be separated for a year before you can file.....well a year came and went on August 25, 2010 and I was just waiting but nothing came........I think that was the other part of what moved me to file.........I was still plan B for her.

Filing for D myself has been something that i have considered in the past few weeks. Mere contemplation at this point, but it has entered my mind.

Filing itself does not get you that level of detachment you are seeking......and as you are finding out neither does the OW.

Don't try to force it Denver........it will only backfire. If there is nothing going on then why file..........I know you are trying to "DO" something about the pain, and the uncertainty in your life.

The best thing to do is to "accept" that you love your W.....it is okay. Guess what????? I still love my XW....always will, not a DAMMNNN thing I can "DO" about it, so I stop wasting TIME and ENERGY fighting it.

Focus on YOURSELF.......go find Denver again.......you will find him when you start doing the things that make you happy.

Hope this helps.

Cheers

Very inspiring post MHL. Thank you.

Denver