I guess I was just getting that vibe from you; to not get back together with my H.
I have learned about enabling behaviors, like rescueing and bailing them out when they need help, picking them up from DWI's, loaning money, etc....I used to do these things... But now I know I cant and wont in order to let him hit a bottom and face his own concequenses for his choices.
However, so far - I have not had to make these choices this time that he has returned. He has been walking to the bars now when he goes in order to avoid that exact result.
So help me understand what it is I am doing to enable his drinking. We still live apart and I still go to alanon meetings when he is at the bar during the week. I dont see how I am enabling him to drink. Please point out what I can do to not enable because I am confused. He has his own choices to make and so do I.
Now another thing that has become clear to me is that at the beginning of the program I was learning the ropes. And when I heard about setting boundaries - I thought that they were rules for him to have to live by or I would not talk to him or see him, etc.... Now I have been talking to a wonderful lady at alanon who has helped me to discover that Boundaries are for me and not rules for my H. They are what I can live with and what I cant. I was wishy washy about all this at first and I may have stated some boundaries that were coming from my pain and not from my heart and mind so much.
Now that I have had time to work my program (especially getting started on step one -I am powerless over another persons alcoholism) its cleared up some of my confusion, I have realized that I can live with my H going to the bars -even though I may not like it - its his life. I live mine to the fullest now when he is out and about drinking and it no longer seems to bother me quite as much now that I have a program to follow. My current boundaries I can state are that If he ever cheated on me -I think I would have to leave our M. If he gets pulled over for DUI/DWI - I would not pick him up and rescue him. And that, for today - I am still standing and working on this M becuase it is important to me and we are both happy being together.
My boundaries now are different than when he first left, as they are different than four years ago - when this mess all started, and they will continue to grow and change along with me as needed.
I cannot fix, change, cure, or control my alcoholic H, However I do have the power to heal and change my life to make it every thing I want it to be - which currently despite many crises and financial problems, and relationship problems I have had to face - I am pretty dang happy and feeling better than I have in a long time. I am growing and changing for the better and it makes me confident that I am making good choices FOR ME!!!!
I am anxious to here your suggestions as I have appreciated your help very much in the past, I am glad you havent given up posting to me. I hope to not sound stuburn or harsh in my words -as I truely am looking to clarify what you mean by enabling and me needing to set boundaries or stick to my boundaries. Thanks TIPPER
