My feelings are changing...sitch isn't

[AntoniaB]

We've all heard the "we're just not comptible any more" excuse, but now that I'm at 14 plus months post-bomb, I see that this is actually likely some truth coming from the WAS. If you met this woman today, you'd not like her very much. You probably wouldn't tolerate her behavior even as a friend. Therefore, you're not compatible. She says it for other reasons--namely, because she feels that something has changed in your dynamic, but what's changed is HER and not BOTH OF YOU at the same time. So she doesn't know what to say to explain it, and out comes the compatibility, or the array of other meaningless script.

Try to reverse what's going on here. Instead of letting her be the one to proclaim you're not compatible and therefore you're not going to be together, you take some power back for yourself by saying (at least to yourself or to us) hey, we're not compatible. She's crazy and I'm not. She's toxic to me. Contact with her demeans me and hurts me AND keeps me from recovering from what she did and from healing. Therefore, I, Tad, am not AT THE PRESENT TIME compatible with HER. To that end, I'm going to disengage from her as much as I can. If I have to see her, I'll be cordial. But she's not acting like my lover, my wife, or even my friend. So I'm going to spend my time and energy with those who DO love, support, and care for me, and those who do NOT tie my head up in knots and questions with their passive aggressive behavior.

Right now this is all about you learning how to gain your self-respect back. All of us take a horrible blow to our self-esteem and self-respect and we have to really work to get it back.