Little Old Fashioned Karma

[MHL]

Hey Country,

I was thinking about what you recently posted about your W and her family and lack of planning and additionally the lack of organization around the divorce paperwork.

My W was not the planner and neither was her family, everything was always last minute and it usually worked out in the end but not without heartache.

Your W sounds similar to my XW, I can't tell you how many times I would be the one to carve out the time for her side of the family get togethers. It became very hard when I would ask her if her mother,sister or aunt had made any plans for the summer or anything so the kids could visit with her family.

I would plan with my side months in advance, I would check schedules and propose dates and we made it work and came up with a plan. I think her family felt like they took a backseat to my family especially during the summer.....it was never vocalized directly but there were comments.

Like you, I felt bad for her side of the family. I wanted my kids to visit them and have a relationship with them but planning just was not a priority for any of them. I did not mind taking up the planning but after a while of no response I made plans with my family not knowing what hers were doing.

I think my W resented that.

I think that when I would sometimes press my W about what her family plans were she might have felt controlled and stuck in the middle. In the end I think that my W wanted me to handle that stuff and she actually wanted me to make the decisions and tell her what we were doing.

The irony of the situation is that my attempts to take care of this or at least partner with her on it actually ended up being a marital complaint of hers, the controlling behavior that is.

I see parrallels in your W Country......it did not come clear to me until you posted about the paperwork thing........Your W and my XW along with alot of women, want to "feel" taken care of without being constrained or restricted or controlled. It gives them a sense of security that they desire on an instinctual level.

Where we as husbands go awry in the marriage is our own fear......fear that we may experience some negativity from our W's when we fully take on that organizer roll........for lack of a better term........I guess what I am dancing around here is LEADING the family.

At the risk of ruffling some feathers of the wonderful women that post here I will say that women want and desire that LEADERSHIP but they do not want a DICTATORSHIP........a thin line to walk to say the least.

The problem for us is fullfilling that leadership role in a way that communicates LOVE and CARING......which are feelings we as the LBH's still experience today.

Country, your W still wants and desires that leadership from you......and you and I still have an instinctual urge to step into that role even in separation/divorce.

While on the surface it may seem crazy, your W is doing what comes naturally to her and she is still seeking that sense of security from the person that she feels is best able to provide it........YOU.

Does not mean that she wants YOU back it just means that she is wants it and you were the last person that provided it. When we draw back and go dim or dark and basically let them make their own way, they squirm because they trully "feel" our absense.

It is hard for us to withdraw that blanket of security, we actually "feel" a need to provide it, however if we do not they will never "miss" us.

Just 3 days ago I did something along those lines for my XW, in retrospect I should have let her handle it on her own but it was such a simple thing for me to accomplish for her. I just did it. Very hard to stop even in divorce.

You can read more about the fears women feel and the shame men experience in a book that was enlightening for me......

"How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about it."

The understanding of what is going on hopefully makes it easier to do what needs to be done.

Cheers