Reflection

[LearningPatience]

GAL, don't worry about posting for others right now, you have yourself to take care of ATM. When you can pay it forward, you will.

Take your time absorbing what the L said. Only advice I can give you is to make any decisions on facts, not emotions. And if you don't have to make a decision on something this moment, don't.

[GAL Man]

Ken, Not having much time to digest the last few days, too much crap going on.

LP, excellent advice, thanks


Journaling

Sleeping really well ATM strangely, but sooooo tired, mentally!!!!

I haven't had time to really digest things as W is taking things to another level now!!

Loads of emails back and forth over the last couple of days, but below is text I sent yesterday morning which prompted the next round of emails (which I may post later)

Ohh BTW, W's last reply to my last constructive text (as on last page) was, "bollocks"

My text
W

Originally S12 wanted to do the weekend only at yours from next week and D14 Thur, Fri, Sat

Firstly, I have said they should both do the same days

Secondly, after your conversation with D14 Monday night, which she told me about, I have suggested to both kids that they come to yours from Wed, which they have both agreed too.

Lastly, and finally, I am happy personally and morally with week on week off, however, as I have said before many times, this isn't about either of us, but ALL about our children and what THEY want. Do not try and lay guilt at their door over their choices, they are children.

PS...Now that you have a new boyfriend, I hope you can respect my wishes and emotional well-being of our children and not introduce them to your boyfriend unless you have been together long enough to be sure the relationship is stable. I will do the same

W reply - I will email my full response later

I know I can not control others actions, but I am frustrated that W thinks all this is from me, she can not see I am actually trying to help. My friend said to me that W made the choice to leave; this is a consequence of her actions and not to worry about it.

Thing is, I am happy with the current arrangements of week on week off. This just seems morally right to me, I do not want to take time off W, BUT this is what my kids want!!

[GAL Man]

Journaling (a few parts, updates on what's been going on and where I am)

Part 1


Haven't posted for a few days as needed to have some time to me

Loads of communication back and forth last week with W, text and email, which I found mentally draining!

Communications have been a result of the kids, and them wanting to stay with me more. W took this as ME trying to get to her. The emails on Wednesday last week from W were very angry, and using them as an opportunity to have a go.

We had some frank exchanges, however........

my responses (NOT REACTIONS) to all the emails have been constructive and "professional" at all times. I have lost count of the amount of times I have put in big red bold writing that this is what the kids want, and that I am happy with week each.

Friday I sent W an email asking for the child benefit to be changed into my name as I am now the main carer and having them 10 days out of 14.

W sent a short reply, so it begins your quest for full custody. I replied with a short email, saying NO, this is not what I, her or the kids want, again in big bold writing, then another reply saying she will speak to Solicitors, and finishing with a threat to inform the CSA!

From last Monday I have told the W I will only communicate in writing

After the email exchange W called (I didn't answer)

W called again, left an angry VM message, saying that if I have the child benefit then she would not be able to afford her rent (child benefit is for the kids from the Government) and that as her name is still on the mortgage she would consider moving back home and basically creating hell.

So I called W back and we had a lengthy conversation, and I THOUGHT (come on to this later) she finally got the point that I have actually been trying to get the kids to see her more and this isn't from me. W even starts crying and saying don't take my kids away from me, which I replied that I wouldn't do that.

I said I would just have S12's benefit, and she could keep D14's (D14s is more) for the time being, then W asked for me to transfer the cash back to her monthly!!!!

W then called again an hour later (I didn't answer) to say lets be adults, then told me about her work and that she would be in the car for a while and give her a call if I wanted.

I emailed W summarising the points discussed and sent her a text saying that I didn't want to speak to her, and that everything had been said which I had to say in our conversation and in my email.

I have found that this is now how W communicates:

1)       Angry reaction
2)       Response with threats
3)       Nicer

[GAL Man]

Part 2

Friday night we had text communication as W keeps asking me what I am doing right and her wrong regarding the kids, my text was

1)       as constructive as I could be you wouldn't like the things I THINK they are
2)       It is not for me what to preach what is right or wrong
3)       I used to be a fixer, as discussed before telling you would be me fixing, that's not me anymore
4)       It has little to do with money

The answer is...........what do you think the answers are (removing emotions and being brutally honest)

W text back again asking what is she doing differently to when we were together.....

Few emails back and forth, but basically shows W has not looked internally at all, and as always, looking for other to provide the answers so she needs to do no work

I finished this communication with, true honest reflection is very powerful and enlightening, really take time to think about this and you will find the answers you seek.


Sunday I text W asking for all the contact details or dentists etc to put into the document I am producing (the parenting agreement recommended by some other BITS)

W replies, wat document, then another reply, can we not meet to do this together.

I responded saying that as previously stated on many occasions ALL coms with be via text, email or letter, and that at this time I have no inclination of speaking to her or seeing her, and the document is the one I talked about before and detailed in my email last week.

2 further replies from W, again, first defensive and angry, the second a response and threat of solicitor.

Then W calls again, again leaves an negative vm message, which I don't answer.

That's the last coms, call and text which I haven't responded too.


So, what have I learnt from this communication, to follow.......

[GAL Man]

Part 3

So, what have I learnt from the communications last week.

This part is all about W, sorry

1)       W is in thick FOG (WAW or MLC, who knows)

2)       W is in MLC, but this is no excuse, and doesn't help, but enables me to understand (to a certain extent)

3)       Words mean bugger all (as everyone always says) I said numerous times that this was from the kids, fell on dear ears. Not to call as I don't want to speak to her, W calls. Say I don't want to see her, W asks to meet up to discuss agreement.

4)       Actions speak VOLUMES, I have not returned calls, or agreed to meet up, and W doesn't like it!

5)       W's threat last week of "await you solicitors letter" looks like an empty threat born out of anger and trying to hurt me

6)       W doesn't like it that she can not "bait" me into a reaction

7)       I remain strong in keeping with my morals and beliefs, W is opposite

8)       W has not reflected on anything, and still looks to others for answers

9)       The first time W's actions brought any consequences to her, she became angry and bitter

10)   W has rebounded to OM who doesn't live in our town, so W is fogged up as don't know where that is likely to go, but don't care, her choice

Part 4 coming soon - where I am

[GAL Man]

Part 4

So about me, how am I?

Good question I ask myself.

1)       I digested that W is now seeing OM, didn't hurt as much as I thought it might. I didn't have much time to actually think about this last week tbh with everything which was going on.

2)       What's getting me though this not hurting as much?, I keep telling myself I can not control this one jot, these are her choices so nothing to do with me, look after my well-being

3)       I understand that I will feel emotions of anger, hurt etc and to except them when they come along, but not react to them

4)       I am not reacting to anything (well a good 95% anyhow) I realise that there will be times when I "fall off" the tightrope, but just understand why these occasions happen and get back on.

5)       Changes in me, the kids see it, and have commented that I am different and happier. Some is acting, but not nowhere near the amount post bomb, this is who I am

6)       I have realised that the changes in me have stuck, and I love them, this is me, who I am (quite a few 180's as mentioned before)

7)       I have really found out things about myself, esp the person I am inside, my morals and beliefs

8)       I am proud of the way I have conducted myself in these last few months, and will remain on this new path

9)       I still love my W, whilst my unconditional love has no boundaries, my friendship does, that is why W is not my friend atm

10)   I don't care about W anymore, but I do care about my W, hope that makes sense LOL

11)   I have not looked this good for years, love it.

12)   I am still married, and will not just jump into bed with someone else, I will have some fun and flirt etc when out on the town, but that's it.

13)   I do not want another relationship just yet, more reflection and learning about myself required first. HOWEVER if something comes along (I am not trying to find someone) and things click, then we shall see

14)   GAL, still good. Really enjoying my time with the kids, we have played board games for the last 5 nights LOL, been bowling, out for lunch, shopping, cooking and creating a happy environment for them.

15)   "single" GAL still good also, this centres around seeing friends, family and going out.

16)   I do feel happier, not brilliant, but getting there day by day

17)   Not think about W ALL the time now, stop signs help!! The main thing I have noticed is when trying to get to sleep, as I am now thinking about other things again (about time too) but improvement STILL needed here! (obviously think all morning about things as I am posting a lot of info LOL)



So all in all, I think this is the best way I can describe where I current am.......hope this makes sense!


I am on a new path, which has twists and turns.

This path is not as "hilly" as the old path, but it still has some bumps, gradients and pot holes along the route

I can now see the destination, but it is still in the distance

However, I can see the journey in front of me, what I need to do and how to get there

There may be more challenges ahead on this journey, and some are expected, but these will not stop my resolve

I am not sure how long this journey will take, but I will get there, in the end.........

[GAL Man]

Received her solicitors letter.

W is divorcing me due to MY unreasonable behaviour, LOL

Not a problem with the D proceedings tbh, detached very well now, and W is not a person I now want in a R

What gets me in the letter though is that W has insinuated that the kids do not want to stay with her as much as I have influenced them, and due to me telling them she had OM. W has admitted in the letter that she is seeing someone.

She still doesn't get it, she still doesn't she what she had done and is still doing to the kids, and why they want to be with me more......

W has requested that the kids go back to week each, which I have said to her verbally, in text and in e-mail that I am happy with this, but that is not what the kids want.

I want what my kids want, where they feel happiest, safest and most comfortable.

I asked them again, with no pressure, and they want to still stay with me 10 out of 14 days.

Moral dilemma time, but must think of kids wants....

I am going to draft a reply letter for my L to consider.

[GAL Man]

I have drafted a letter for L to consider tomorrow

Basically the change in the kids schedule is nothing to do with me, personally I am happy having the kids a week each (not as happy as us both seeing them all the time obviously), but the kids want to stay me me 10 out of 14 nights, and that they would be prepared to say this in mediation. Should I put some of the reasons why in the draft?

Also contemplating whether to contest the unreasonable behaviour part, or just let it go so it can progress quicker. I am told unreasonable behaviour can be as simple a not putting the top back on the toothpaste ( always did LOL) so to me seems pointless to challenge, plus would cost loads more to refute each one and challenge. I may need the money to fight for what the kids want, they are priority now during this difficult time, esp with exams coming up.

Any words of wisdom from the BITS prior much appreciated

[GAL Man]

Haven't journaled for a while, so thought I would update, lots being going on!!!!

Last post was regarding W solicitor's letter, and my proposed response. Well my Sol responded exceedingly well, requesting a copy of the D petition which W was meant to file (and still haven't received it yet) and stated that I was happy with the original childcare arrangements, encouraged the kids to see their mum and if W was unhappy I would be welcome for W to request family mediation where the kids can clearly state their wishes to an independent person, and that the change in scheduling was entirely down to the kids wishes.

In W's sol letter she put that all coms were to go through them.......

Since then W has called to try and speak to me, and request to discuss things in person, which I refused, until last week. I didn't want to speak to her or meet as I was in a good place moving on with my life, hence the "was", because as usual W threw the usual grenades into our convo, which I will document next.

[GAL Man]

I text W stating that I would be willing to meet and discuss things, W was, as usual abrupt first, then questioning, then light-hearted, which I couldn't understand

We met last Wed

W showed up having had a spray tan, which I didn't comment on.

Throughout the 1hr convo I was softly spoken, calm, continually brought discussions back on track, and stood up for my beliefs. My main phrase throughout was "I'm sorry your feel that way" where appropriate.

The main aim of my request to meet up was to put a financial settlement proposal to her, which I did. I explained all of the figures and how I got to the offer, which W wasn't too happy about but understood how I got there. I moved slightly increasing the offer by a couple of grand to show cooperation, and said it was on the table to the end of the week and to think about it.

W then moved on to the kids and why they didn't want to spend as much time with her, and I explained that it wasn't for me to tell her or preach what is right or wrong, and that she had to figure things out herself. (Lengthy discussion pursued, but I stuck to my guns, in the past I would have caved in!! so nice 180 there)

Then W said that she hasn't changed to how she was before moving out (which is completely opposite of what she had been saying) Hmmmm strange

W kept saying she didn't understand as she left me, not the kids and was happy with her choice