New to the forum.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am sorry you are having a bad day. We all have had them.

If you need to cry, cry. If you need to get angry, do that but get underneath the anger what is it you truly feel?

The love your W had for you has not completely vanished, you are part of her history ...for now, the future is yet unwritten.

How did love diminish? Like stone wearing away by the action of water, slowly and bit by bit.
Please remember she had a part in that too! It wasn't all you, what she allowed to chip away at that love is on her if she didn't speak up, if she didn't make the effort to change herself. It is also on her for not setting appropriate and clear boundaries, and not taking responsibility for her own feelings and happiness. YOU did not "make" her happy or unhappy, you did not "make" her feel love or hate or anything else.

You, darlin' do not have that kind of awesome power.

You will trust again, when you make the choice and decision to do so. That time isn't now.

Cut yourself a break. You're human, you screw up and (hopefully) you learn from doing so. You'll learn from this, oh how you'll learn!

Fall down six, get up seven man. It's all we can do.

[Lonely in SLC]

Thanks S_C,

Sometimes the negative thoughts have a way of creeping up on me. I have been good lately in not letting them find ground in my mind, but it is a constant struggle, and sometimes they slip in.

I will admit, I do feel a little better after crying, but dang, how much longer. It is tough trying to detach and move on to the next chapter in my life while trying to DB.

[Lonely in SLC]

Yesterday was a bad day. Almost broke every DB rule. Pleading STBXW to come back. STBXW handled it well. We spoke a lot about R. She still says I will have an opportunity down the road, but she might date others first. She does not know.

Today has been a good day. I have the kids, just playing games, hanging around the pool, and BBQing. At this point only my kids make me happy.

I'm also excited for football season to start shortly!

[Johnnieno1]

My thought are with you today LiSLC

looks like we both have had a Down day, keep your chin up, and work at DB as best you can. No one on this board can throw stones at you, because all of them have backslid at some point themselves. One thing that struck me when I was looking at your timelines is how fast your sitch has progressed. I know that there is a natural timeline for healing from what you have been through and I am not surprised that you are still having the strong feelings that you do. I hope you (and I for that matter) get some relief from your pain. Just keep trying to do your best and live your life for you now. The sooner you move on, the better for you. Your xw needs to see you moving forward... You deserve happiness.

Put you faith in GOD. He is walking with you right now. he has a plan for you. We don't know what it is, but, trust in him.

[Lonely in SLC]

Journaling

Today has been a strange day for my emotions. I feel as if I am in a fog. I am literaly teetering between being ok and despair. I am fighting off the despair rather well right now, but I can't say I'm close to any type of happiness or satisfaction. Again, my emotional psyche just sees the white fog. I worry that any little thing will tip the scale towards despair, and I can't really seem to grasp anything to give me hope either, other than time I guess.

[Johnnieno1]

Have you gone to see a Dr for Anti Depressants... I know they have been really helpful for me... I never realized how helpful until I tried to come off them over the weekend. Believe me, it's worth looking into and will lessen those wild fluctuations in mood. I like that they are helping me keep an even keel in front of my wife...

Johnnie

[Lonely in SLC]

I was diagnosed with a Chemical imbalance about three months ago. My body is not producing enough seratonin I believe. I have a prescription to help with this that is making things easier.

[Lonely in SLC]

I have not logged anything for a few days.

Today we sign paperwork to sell the house. We have until Sunday, I believe, to move everything out. I have been going to the house with the STBXW everyday this week packing and moving furniture out. We sure have collected a lot of junk over the years....my STBXW sure bought a lot of junk over the years.

There was not a lot to report. We did a good job not talking about our relationship. We spoke and interacted a lot. I swear, it feels to me like things are like before, other than going home together and any talk with sexual innuendos.

I believe we both have been stressed out with the move, so there hasn't been much time to think bout our relationship. I just feel exhausted right now with everything going on.

One bit of interesting news. We should have received our divorce papers signed by the judge by now. My STBXW called the courthouse, apparently they have lost some of the paperwork causing the delay. They are looking for it, but we may need to resubmit some of the paperwork. I believe this to be a sign that we are supposed to remain together. A guy can dream, can't he? I did not say this to the STBXW.

[Lonely in SLC]

So, I just got back from signing all the paperwork to sell the house. We need to be out by next Tuesday.

The STBXW and I decided to go to lunch before heading over to close on the house. We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant again.

While we were eating she tells me the paperwork arrived from the court, they found the papers that they had lost and now "We are officially divorced." My XW stated "Isn't nice that the past is finished and that we can move on." I was not able to detect if moving on meant moving on separately or beginning together again.

I feel like I'm in that fog still. It hurts, but it is like a dull achy feeling, not a sharp unbearable pain like before.

Does this mean I'm doing a good job of detaching myself from the XW, or am I just doing a good job throwing up an emotionless wall around myself to protect me from hurting?

When I get home tonight, lying alone in my small apartment, will I cry, or will I drift off into the haze?

How should I feel?

Should I do something like a ritual to mark the occassion, to close this chapter of my life, or just move on like it's just another day?

I could use some thoughts, input, and support now.

[Johnnieno1]

Not sure what to advise SLC

Except to say I know exactly where you are coming from.

You are doing a better job at detaching than I am. Who knows what these women are thinking... Sometimes I think that even they don't know what they are thinking...

In the end, I guess all we can do is put our faith in God... He has a master plan that has not been revealed to us yet, but... It will be wonderful...

Johnnie