If it were me saying those words, I know it would be because my heart was telling me to stay with you, but my head anxious to find an absolute certainty of the right answer.
I read what you say about him, and because I relate so strongly, I just want to grab him and slap some sense into him before he loses the chance to have someone who obviously values him so much that she is still trying to give it a chance after all this. He seems (as I have been in recent past) SO oblivious! But, of course, he is not me, and even if my intuitions about his motives are accurate, I should know from my own experience that you can't make someone else pull their cephalus out of their rectum (medical terms get past the auto censor!). He has to do that himself.
Offering to meet him in his LL (offering a hug) when he was being open and honest to you was, IMO, the best thing you could have done. He needs to know that love is there when HE is willing to be there. The best you can do is to be the person who loves him, but not the person who will take ANYTHING from him. You have to love yourself enough to tell him "no" when he is crossing lines - disregarding your feelings, speaking disrespectfully to you, etc. But, if he is ready to embrace you as a separate person from him, and accept that you will always have differences, you can also show him that you love him, with all the differences he has.
Waking up to the fact that arguments and conflicts do not mean you have the wrong person, and that the very BEST marriage will never be a PERFECT marriage - that is up to him.
(I'd slap it into him for you, if I could )
Psych77, my instincts tell me you really do get my H because everything you say just resonates so precisely.
H often seems to be looking for the perfect solution to our issues and this is probably what is triggering these emotional "flip flops". Yes, it does seem like if it's not easy or a "sure thing" with an iron clad guarantee, he's afraid to commit to a decision.
Yet, something in him is stopping him from running, even though I think he desperately wants to... Again, he needs those absolutes. This all makes so much more sense when you explain it.
And I definitely think he's looking to me for these answers, which is might be why he is so focused on my feelings when I was the one contemplating divorce. He wants to know how I made my decision. I did tell him the other night that he needs to look for those answers within himself. I want him to find his own inner strength and I don't want to feel like I'm convincing him.
Yes, I want him to know that I do think our relationship has hope, but I want him to be strong and sure about "his" choice. I want to see some strength and some leadership from him. I need an emotionally strong man.
I agree with you about setting boundaries, and that we both need to accept our differences and see ourselves as individuals. Ironically, this is something that also came up the other night. I told H I often felt like he wanted a female clone of himself and that expecting your partner to be exactly like you is unrealistic.
I too think offering the hug was a good move in that moment. I did consider it might be pursuing but since his LL came up and he said that my lack of physical touch at times hurt him deeply, that it felt right to ask in that moment. It was definitely well received.
Anyway, again thanks so much for your thoughts. I would also love if you could give him a slap for me. I kid. Sort of.
) 
