E - I just read through your entire situation - I have been chipping away at it today. It is quite a crazy train. I am seeing some parallels to lc4's situation. I am seeing some parallels to mine as well.
My W has brought up the D word several times over about the last 9 years. The last two times have been with a serious note. It does erode trust in feelings and it does leave you walking on eggshells. I heard the "I don't feel emotionally connected" and the "We're just not compatible" and "Maybe I married the wrong person" statements.
I would say I see some positives in your situation. At least your H is willing to pick up and read some of those books. I think that's a big, big positive right now. That tells me that he legitimately sees some hope for the M. My perception is your H is very confused. He's also willing to talk, and when he does initiate the convo, it doesn't sound like it's always negative.
I would agree with lc4's comment above that it may be wise to set a time to talk rather than having you just drop everything depending on what mood your H is in. Maybe you would get a little more consistency?
What do you feel needs to change in your M? What does your H feel should change in the M?
Thanks for stopping by, jbnati. I've managed to get through all your threads today. I had to take a break...for a quesadilla. I'll be stopping by to comment soon.
Yes, I definitely see the similarities in our sitches, as well as lc4's.
Anyway, I agree, it is somewhat encouraging that my H is willing to read relationship books but then again, he also keeps insisting that the books won't help. Although, then wants to discuss the books again... I'm trying to be patient.
Yesterday, even after giving me the "it's hopeless" speech again, he flip flopped back to wanting to know what made me unhappy in the marriage and my issues with him. Then more apologizing, tears and validating from him...and affection. Yet, I'm not sure if all that is just pity or guilt...or something else.
I'm pretty much expecting him to reinforce that he's "done" again next weekend.
As for your questions:
What do you feel needs to change in your M?
* conflict resolution skills - I don't think either of us fought fairly. There was a lot of disrespect on both of our parts * intimate conversation - my H isn't honest and open about his feelings unless we're going through this drama. The only time he can talk openly with me about what bothers him is when he's "done". * he needs to have my back (loyalty) - my H doesn't like to rock the family boat so to speak - his family was often disrespectful to me (and sometimes to him). Long sorted story. While we were in MC, he was told by our therapist that he needed to be firmer with boundaries regarding his family. It took him years to speak up and he wasn't always consistent. * more quality time alone * his excessive drinking - my H often came home from drinking after his hockey games and would spew venom about not getting enough sex or how I had no sex drive. Then tell me to go find Prince Charming. Yeah, that's going to arouse my desire. Or he would drink too much after dinner numerous times a week. Our D16 has noticed and expressed concern to me. * his forgetfulness - Something simple like putting gas in my car. I get severe migraines and the smell of gas triggers them. He'll go away on business and leave me with no gas. I do everything around the house and only ask him to take out the garbage and mow the lawn - he forgets.
What does your H feel should change in the M?
* conflict resolution - same as my points * sex - he wants more * physical touch - more * quality time - but only if it leads to more sex. He's angry about our dates that didn't result in sex * he's felt ignored at times when I've been talking to friends on the phone or on the computer * more shared interests * more sex - did I mention that? This is his main complaint. * my procrastination - admittedly this is something I did because I got tired of his "forgetting". I know I reacted poorly and out of anger.
There's probably more on his list but that's what I've garnered out of the points he's shared during our last few R talks...
I am seeing some parallels to lc4's situation. I am seeing some parallels to mine as well. 
I'll be stopping by to comment soon.
