Stillness

[~¤DG¤~]

You handled yourself in a VERY good way.
I give you props for that. Big time.

[aeolianchaos]

I give you props for that. Big time.

Merci beaucoup, DG!

Last couple of days have been nice.. the weather is finally starting to calm down, and I am grateful for that. Went on a nice long walk yesterday and got a lot of little things taken care of.

I have been thinking some about my situation - reading other people's situation has certainly poked ideas in my head. Mostly a whole lot of what-ifs.

Coming up on the three month anniversary of her walking out, I am reflecting a lot on the past year and how much pain she inflicted on me. I don't do this to dismiss the pain I probably have inflicted on her, but to consider further what I want at this point. From myself. From any possible future R.

Perhaps it is in reading how other people have handled the 'what if he/she wants to try and work it out' question, but I have found myself wondering what I would do. Honestly, I think my first instinct would be to just say yes. I don't know if this is because I just really want to work it out, or because I feel like I wouldn't want to be seen as being coy about things when I've been direct and clear about the fact that I still love her and feel like things could work out. I've often played my cards close to my chest and I am working at breaking that habit a little bit.

It seems silly to think about at this point - she has her stuff out of the apartment and who knows if/when we'll be in touch. I'm starting to really know the futility of looking so much at those variables in terms of my own 'stuff' going on.

That said - I wonder what I could be doing to 'keep the road home smooth.' She isn't the strongest person and I definitely get the impression she is being coached in terms of getting this D. So any road home is going to have to be downhill and paved in ice!! I don't remember where I put my zamboni..

Finished reading Schnarch's Intimacy and Desire last night. In many ways it is an 'easier' version of Passionate Marriage, but the style is certainly more in accord with the modern self-help book format. He introduces some new ideas and distills it down into a trademarkable framework that is easier to refer to. He spends a lot more time discussing the neuropsychological aspects of his ideas, which is interesting and certainly provides another window into the idea that "one person can change a relationship by changing themselves" concept. Many of his examples contain very interesting parallels with the experiences I was having in my own M. All in all, I would really recommend it to anyone who is interested in that kind of thing.

[ESN]

It seems silly to think about at this point - she has her stuff out of the apartment and who knows if/when we'll be in touch. I'm starting to really know the futility of looking so much at those variables in terms of my own 'stuff' going on.

That said - I wonder what I could be doing to 'keep the road home smooth.' She isn't the strongest person and I definitely get the impression she is being coached in terms of getting this D. So any road home is going to have to be downhill and paved in ice!! I don't remember where I put my zamboni..

Finished reading Schnarch's Intimacy and Desire last night. In many ways it is an 'easier' version of Passionate Marriage, but the style is certainly more in accord with the modern self-help book format. He introduces some new ideas and distills it down into a trademarkable framework that is easier to refer to. He spends a lot more time discussing the neuropsychological aspects of his ideas, which is interesting and certainly provides another window into the idea that "one person can change a relationship by changing themselves" concept. Many of his examples contain very interesting parallels with the experiences I was having in my own M. All in all, I would really recommend it to anyone who is interested in that kind of thing.

Of course I'll read it! First reading some others. I now have more reading time! But that one line - wow. I discovered that too late. I was working hard at getting there, and once I did, it was already too late. water under the bridge. BF even said tonight in MC that he was already planning his departure. (Ick - but oh well)

Anyway, I get what you're saying - I do this too and know I'd go back in a second, simply b/c I don't want my family to be broken.

But I also think it's a way for our brains to kind of play the denial game - like it's a little fantasy to be able to imagine what it would be like to have them want us back... IDK - don't mean to be bleak...

I like how you said paving the road home. I like this a lot. Mine is a clean home now. It is warmer in its energy. The woman in it is a little calmer - things are more serene. I can listen.

That's really a nice way of saying it - thanks for that.

[aeolianchaos]

Nice evening - no drama, no problems, no stress.

Spent a couple hours refoaming some speakers from the late 70s. The surrounds were in really bad shape and I've been meaning to refoam the woofers for about 8 months. It will be a shame to sell these, but at 80lbs per cabinet I just don't want to have to move them again when I leave this apartment.

Now I'm just listening to some tunes and sipping some really great absinthe. Like I said, nice evening.

[♪CS♪]

Damn nice!

What speakers?

[aeolianchaos]

McIntosh XR-6's .. wonderful sound and a really defined low end.

Used to belong to my in-laws. They 'retired' them in favor of a bose surround system that sounds pretty one dimensional in comparison.

These things blew them out of the water even with the surrounds being dessicated and tattered. I'm looking forward to hearing them with the woofers in good shape.

[♪CS♪]

Nice!

I'm running a McIntosh integrated in my system.

Great stuff.

Yeah. Bose is just a little step behind

Happy listening!

[aeolianchaos]

I'm running a McIntosh integrated in my system.

So after you take the acid I assume you'll be rolling around in your piles of money??

Just put the woofers back in and man, what a difference. It's playing quietly right now and the definition of sound is just night and day compared to before.

--journalizing--

Not a lot of new stuff today - took care of a bunch of 'stuff' and followed up on another job application. Sure would be nice to hear back from someone, at least.

Had some 'moments' of thinking about WAW and delving into my little fantasy world, where I tell her negative things. Totally non-productive, and takes my head in a direction I don't need it to go in. Typically I catch these within a minute and find myself laughing at the thoughts I think sometimes.. they are crazy!

Read a great article by Mel Schwartz, LCSW on Psych. Today website. Talks about observing thought rather than attaching to it. The article is called "Stuck in a Groove" for anyone who might be interested in it.

Trying to just keep focused on my own stuff right now: no benefit to dwelling on WAW and her thing. With that in mind, I'm working on implementing some changes to my daily workflow to take care of business and keep myself in a more productive state since I have so much time on my hands anyways.

[♪CS♪]

So after you take the acid I assume you'll be rolling around in your piles of money??

If everything goes as planned

Had some 'moments' of thinking about WAW and delving into my little fantasy world, where I tell her negative things. Totally non-productive, and takes my head in a direction I don't need it to go in. Typically I catch these within a minute and find myself laughing at the thoughts I think sometimes.. they are crazy!

I can't tell you how much I understand this.

But you recognize it. This is good. Thinking about it, while unproductive....

DOING it will be productive. Just not in the direction you will like.

Talks about observing thought rather than attaching to it. The article is called "Stuck in a Groove" for anyone who might be interested in it.

Sounds interesting. I'll take a look. Sounds very similar to a lot of the "mindfulness" stuff I have read.

[aeolianchaos]

Its a gorgeous day out and things are moving along.

Received mail today from W's attorney. Basically the divorce complain and notice that the attorney is representing her. Sounds like the same thing my L received in early July. Postmarked 6/29. Arrived today. Trying to make sense of that, as well as figure out if I need to take any action. For the time being, I just stuck it in the "divorce" folder. I think my L is on vacation this week anyhow.

Not a whole lot of emotional response to it though, maybe because its already been out there for a month. I don't know. Just not feeling the drama.

On the Job front, working on setting up a meeting w/ somebody at the company I'm most interested in. I've never done this kind of networking before, but I am looking forward to the opportunity to do so, and intend to prepare my butt off. This actually intimidates me much more than the whole D thing, at this point.

I strongly suspect I will not be seeing WAW anytime soon. She leaves for Europe early next week and is gone until mid-september. While I could contact her about some paperwork that belongs to her or some reason like that there is nothing pressing. I kind of want to see if she will make any effort at connecting w/ me before she leaves.

----
Particularly on my birthday.

To be honest, I participated in making her B-day pretty bad this year. We were supposed to be 'working on things' and I had found those text-messages between her and her friend planning to send the OM a b-day gift when I was gone the following week, and she was planning on calling him on his b-day. This was 2 days before he bday - I did not handle this well. Previous to this, I had been extending her quite a bit of kindness and compassion.

My reaction to discovering those messages was to basically withdraw all trust and most kindness. Her apologies became worthless to me, and her promises became empty. I let her know that I felt like she did not value my trust, and that I felt stupid for extending it to her. I was pretty harsh towards her on her b-day, and certainly used the 'guilt card' to make her feel bad about even wanting to go out and do something. We spent most of the evening fighting and I was certainly not acting from my best self. I may believe she was wrong about a lot, but it doesn't make me any more right.

It would be fair to say I was looking for her to do something to soothe my wounded pride, ego, trust, etc..

At the risk of mind-reading, I think she is extremely uncomfortable around me at the moment. Much of this is based in her own perception of things - totally out of my control - so I don't really know what I could even begin to do about that.

I am working on my stellar attitude and my resilient outlook - doing my best to be philosophical about things and keep a solid grasp on myself. One of the big underlying things, for me, seems to be keeping a perspective on my worth and value as an individual.

I've noticed a subtle assumption I make that I'm not going to be 'good enough' or 'worth' talking to. These assumptions manifest in ways that obstruct me from pursuing the things in life that I want. I'm doing my best to recognize it in its many incarnations, and deal with it.