Hello all. I've been through the site and much of the archives over the past two weeks and this is my first posting. I'm still struggling with the acronyms, but I get MLC and LBS. Anywho...
My Lovely Wife is going through what I believe to be MLC. As I've read from many of you, there were in my case, signs of what was coming and then July of last year is when I really knew something was wrong. I responded in kind with frustration because I was hurt and being selfish I responded not with understanding but with frustration. I've never called my wife names or physically harmed her. I am guilty of ignoring her emotional needs. Of treating her like a buddy for the past 10 years and not a partner.
The first week of August last year my wife went into withdraw and lockdown on me. No words spoken and left the home when the kids went to bed just to be away from me. I did not lash out at her. I immediatly went into "fix" mode and offered her space filled with loving words and kindness. All the while I was hurt down to my core in ways I've never known possible. Haven't we all?
Interestingly to me, I never looked into MLC until I approached my sister-in-law a bit over two months back and told her I didn't know how much more I could take. I have a better relationship with all of my in-laws than I do with my own family. We both cried, me for my children and knowing that I would not see much of the in-laws as I am an introvert. Not one week after talking to my sister-in-law, a switch inside me flipped and my pain is seemingly gone.... but I get ahead of myself.
From the beginning I have defended my wife and I still do to this day. It's just that now it's a bit easier. My sister-in-law spoke of how she felt my wife was going through MLC. I started looking into it and at least one shoe fits rather well. I was pleased to note that with the exception of talking to my sister-in-law, I had been doing rather well in some of the actions/decisions I've made over the last year. Not knowing what I was doing I did make mistakes as we are bound to do when someone we love is going through MLC. I no longer reach out to family about my wife. We all know something is wrong, but I know now that I'm the enemy and I'm not helping my case by shedding light on an issue my wife does not or can't address right now.
We have two wonderful kids which are the reason she hasn't left yet. I did find the folder back in November containing legal separation documents. I was trying to do something nice for my wife and found the folder by accident and handed it to her. I did not react in anger. I told her I was doing my best and that I was sorry it wasn't enough. I've not seen the folder since, but I'm sure it's around. It makes no difference to me today like it did 3 or 5 months ago.
We had an anniversary last week and the night before we talked, which is rare this past year. She was not mean to me at all and I respect her honesty. She resents me. Told me several times through the conversation as it applied. But I'm not the same person today that I was to months ago. Today it bothers me none what she said of her feelings. Knowing what I do about all this, I understood it in my own way. For the duration of the 3 hour conversation, I was mindful of listening to her, I avoided the words "understand", "love", "please", and "change". I am not pathetic as she has seen me this past year. I have found my detachment and hearing the words from her mouth "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you" gave me an inner smile. I was humored by it - not being cruel, just seeing more clearly now.
I do not believe there is another person in her life. I'm not naieve, I just know that since I've found my detachment that if something feels right, it most likely is. My gut instinct is what's keeping me happy these past two months. I'm smiling so much more and I really am happy even if my wife can't see it or believe me. She's not happy with me at all right now, but she's told me I don't deserve this so I know she's at war with herself. I'm helping her the only way that has felt right and that is time, patience and peace. I try to keep up the house as best I can and I do it when she's not around so I don't give her the impression that I'm trying to "show" her I'm a changed person. She either will or will not notice when she gets home after work of wherever. No worries from me.
I do not love the person sleeping in the living room, but I am deeply in love of the beautiful person inside her. I do not expect to see my wife emerge for another year or two, but I suspect I may see glimpses of her in that time. I believe in her and yet I no longer fear losing her. I do not know if she will follow through with filing for divorce, but I really have no opinion on it. It's surreal feeling this way and whenever I try to make sense of it I can't stop smiling. I don't know what to tell any of you, only that I'm here, not in sadness at my situation but as someone who's found peace of mind. I hope that perhaps I can help with some meager words of wisdom in that we are all victims of MLC, I just happen to be on the outside looking in.
