So.....since I wasn't available yesterday, she just tried to call the house and she spoke to S25. She talked to him for a few minutes and then asked where I was. (I was home, but didn't want her to know that.) Then she asked him if I had been at home at all today. He told her that I was at home earlier this morning.
She then calls my cell phone. Of course, I didn't answer. She leaves a voicemail wondering (actually accussing me of) if I was avoiding her.
It is funny. I've pulled back a little and now she is wondering where I am.
I kind of like being unavailable.
Let her wonder....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
It is distance and pursuit, this pulling back and her coming after you.
As to the texts - who knows where a MLCers head is at a particular point? While we can understand the overall process, the individual behaviours have their own dynamic and mystery!
My xh sent me 4 email messages yesterday. Tad, I haven't seen the guy [except in Court, which isn't very social] for well over a year, or spoken to him. You just learn to accept what they do, if it isn't hurtful, in which case use your boundaries. Detachment is crucial.
Thanks Beatrice. I'm getting there I think. I just can't get over the nice/angry/nice/angry thing. The anger is just so unbelievable. I almost picture a demon breathing fire when she starts to go off.
I'm also wondering: have any of you had your spouse say to you something like: "we just aren't compatable anymore."
She has been saying this a lot.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Tad - my xh could give most people lessons in hostility [see the title of my thread] Pre MLC he was a gentle and quiet man, but boy did he explode. Angry hostile, mean and destructive.
They say the stupidest things. "We just aren't compatible anymore" sounds quite mild to me! "I never wanted to marry you, it was all done against my will" "You were never ever what I wanted in a woman" "I never found you attractive in the ways that matter" "I always wanted to leave and never found out how" were just a few of the printable things he has said in the past few years.
He still has not regrets and thinks he did the right thing. Just is currently less hostile, which is a good thing. But I have very little contact with him. Why would I?
Not being competitive here - but really they are nuts. Please get that simple truth into your head.
Oh come on B. Competitive might be a fun thread to start, right?
That's a classic - we're just not compatible any longer. But who can forget, "we just got married to young" or the ever popular, "I just hardened my heart because you did <insert whatever silly thing it was they accuse you of>"
Keep some distance and mystery Tad.
Good to hear about the pool. Always nice, right?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yup, got that one too 'We got married too young' Useless to point out that if we were never compatible it wouldn't have mattered how old or young we were . . . . . Oh and I forgot that I was never his type, and he married me on the rebound ummmmm from whom??
But I never got "I hardened my heart . . . ." but then I guess he didn't need that one.
We did use to have a thread on the things MLCers say, long time back - although it is hard to beat Brooklyn's xh . . ..
We've all heard the "we're just not comptible any more" excuse, but now that I'm at 14 plus months post-bomb, I see that this is actually likely some truth coming from the WAS. If you met this woman today, you'd not like her very much. You probably wouldn't tolerate her behavior even as a friend. Therefore, you're not compatible. She says it for other reasons--namely, because she feels that something has changed in your dynamic, but what's changed is HER and not BOTH OF YOU at the same time. So she doesn't know what to say to explain it, and out comes the compatibility, or the array of other meaningless script.
Try to reverse what's going on here. Instead of letting her be the one to proclaim you're not compatible and therefore you're not going to be together, you take some power back for yourself by saying (at least to yourself or to us) hey, we're not compatible. She's crazy and I'm not. She's toxic to me. Contact with her demeans me and hurts me AND keeps me from recovering from what she did and from healing. Therefore, I, Tad, am not AT THE PRESENT TIME compatible with HER. To that end, I'm going to disengage from her as much as I can. If I have to see her, I'll be cordial. But she's not acting like my lover, my wife, or even my friend. So I'm going to spend my time and energy with those who DO love, support, and care for me, and those who do NOT tie my head up in knots and questions with their passive aggressive behavior.
Right now this is all about you learning how to gain your self-respect back. All of us take a horrible blow to our self-esteem and self-respect and we have to really work to get it back.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
We met today and took care of the deed to the house. She asked me to lunch, but I declined. Yay me.
But....while we were waiting, we talked a little bit. She told me how she still wants to be a part of my family and how my family needs to change their attitude. Does she want to "cake eat?" Is she trying to reconnect with my family? She says that she didn't choose to leave everyone, just me. She also reminded me how "done" she is.
Afterwards, on the way home she started sending me texts reminding me again how "done" she is and accussing me of all kinds of lying and withholding information. She also accused me of being "fake."
I finally had to turn off my phone.
I don't know peeps. I just don't know if I can do this anymore.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Actually you're at a good place now. She feels her "control" slipping because no one seems to want to follow the beat of her drum, so she takes it out on you.
Next time she says something about your family, tell her that your family doesn't have to do anything she says as they are entitled to their feelings just as she is.
Just ignore her for now. She will continue her rant for awhile.
Think about a spoiled little girl who doesn't get what they want. What happens? They throw a tantrum. And when they feel no one is listening to them or getting them what they want, they rant even louder. Don't worry. They all do this. Funny how predictable they are.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My W had wanted her and my family all together for my D8's b-day this coming weekend. She asked about a month ago, I said no and she basically said my family has issues if they can "step up".
So last Sunday she brings it up again. Says she's going to invite my family to her place for b-day... The conversation later turns to how her family and "friends" all think I'm trying to scr3w her in D... That's when I said to her, "Do you really think that inviting me and my family into a house full of people who think I'm trying to scr3w you is a GOOD thing?"
