My feelings are changing...sitch isn't

[tadpole1025]

Yes AJ. I have noticed the back and forth.

I would like to be friends with her, but the problem is that I want something more than just "friends." If I'm not a friend to her, doesn't that shut the door to all possibilites in the future?

As for the weekend, I've got nothing big planned. I just may kick it by the pool. Easy to do here in Arizona!

Now the update:

I told W yesterday that I would go ahead and have lunch with her today after she deeded the house to me at the courthouse.

We get to the courthouse today and she looked awful. Pretty to me of course, but not like she used to be. Just a funny note: her eyebrows seem to be getting higher and higher. It must be the way she is plucking them, but she is starting to look like Faye Dunaway in "Mommy Dearest."

W has had these forms to fill out for months. We get to the office and she is missing all of the necessary info: parcel #, subdivision name, the entire "legal description." So.....now I get to do this all over again on Tuesday.

She suggested that we go have lunch anyways. She asked me where I wanted to go and told her that I would be happy with whatever she wanted. We ended up choosing Mexican food. When we arrive at the place, she tells me that this is "her treat." I thanked her.

I like my food spicy. When we have Mexican food, I always ask for the extra spicy hot sauce. Today, she asked for it. When the waiter left, I asked her why she ordred the extra spicy sauce. She says: "because that is what you like.' I said okay and thanked her again.

We had a nice time, no R talk at all even though I wanted to so badly. We talked about everything, but us. Caught her gazing at me a few times. I was going to say something, but I didn't.

There was once that I felt like I was getting choked up, but I controlled myself. Overall, I think I did well today. I didn't say anything to p!ss her off and she didn't do anything to hurt me.

She asked a lot of questions about my new job and wondered if I would be able to handle it because of my bad shoulder.

Now, here is what scares me: she doesn't seem to look or act like she is in "crisis mode" like she did a few months ago. There are a few things that I notice, but she doesn't seem to be the fruit loop like she once was.

What the hell is going on?

Tad

[seeking answers]

Now, here is what scares me: she doesn't seem to look or act like she is in "crisis mode" like she did a few months ago. There are a few things that I notice, but she doesn't seem to be the fruit loop like she once was.

Can I ask what scares you about this?^^^^

MLCer's settle into life, just as the LBS does. The initial high of getting their freedom wears off. She may be finding the grass isn't greener and the same mundane things she had to deal with while you were together are still there.

This doesn't mean she's coming to the end of her MLC. Just that the manic actions have settled down.

It is interesting that she goes to the courthouse with you and has none of what she needed to complete the transaction of deeding the house to you. It just goes to show how messed up she still is.

It sounds like you handled lunch well. You really do need to stop focusing on her though. You still are not detached. Your posts are still all about her.

Really would like to hear about you and what you're doing and working on.

Since you have to meet up with her again on Tues. if she asks you to lunch again, why don't you thank her but tell her you already have plans...leave her wondering.

[dl443322]

Hiya Seeking!

Tad, the answer to your question is no. It doesnt shut the door to anything else in the future.

She sees you as the reason she is unhappy. Your job is to give her the space and time to figure out (is she chooses to) that it is her.

Personally, I didnt want to be friends with my h while he was doing all this stuff to me. Not my idea of a friend. And I knew that he had a path to walk and needed to get out of the way.

It's normal for the LBS to feel that if you dont stay connected in some way, then she will move on and not look back.

But really, she needs to figure it all out on her own.

That's not to say that if you do occasionally run into her, you shouldnt smile, be positive and confident and leave her thinking.

She needs to see that you have made changes and to see if they are real. And trust me, even is she isnt in contact with you, if she wants to know about you, she will figure out a way to find out.

If you keep engaging with her, you dont give her a chance to.

You did wonderfully at lunch. The exact things that you didnt do allowed her to see you in a different light.

I agree with Seeking, the manic part is settling down.

Tad, you really need to stop analyzing her and every interaction. The sooner you detach, the better off you'll be. And it allows her to deal with the choices she made on her own.

I also dont think you should go to lunch again. Thank her and get on with your day.

Time to start setting some goals, making some plans.

You are getting there, sweetie. Keep going.

[AntoniaB]

I saw the settling down stage too with my XH. To me it just indicates that they are used to their new "normal". To be honest, the more I saw that part of XH, the harder it got for me. I felt like when he was in crisis I still had a chance he'd pick me, but once he was firmly in the new mode, there was no was he was coming back. And that's precisely what happened. I can't predict the future, but that's where he is now. That's why I no longer wanted to see him when he got to that point. I suspect if you continue to see her much, it will wear on you too, especially if you are getting along ok, as you'll be wondering why she isn't with you if everything is so nice.

I agree with the others. You did well today; I would not go to lunch with her again. You must show her you have your own life. If she really was in a place to come back now, and then said "well, Tad, if you had just gone to lunch with me when I asked, I'd come back, but since you didn't, I'm not", I mean, is that REALLY the kind of person you want to spend your life with? As everyone here says, when they are GOOD AND READY to come back, if they are, you will know it. Your choosing to leave things on a good note, and your good note was lunch today, well that's more important than jumping through her hoops only to have her hurt you again.

[AJM]

I agree with the others and have seen similar. Best option is to leave things on a good note when you can. Otherwise, stay out of the way and let her figure it out.

The back and forth is the telltale part. Nice one minute and mean as a snake the next. Remember I mentioned early on she may try to come back? She likely has a strong pull to do that. But it wasn't very long ago that she mentioned you had your chance (which is nuts of course) remember?

This may very well just be a calm time before more storms. My guess is that it is.

Leave things on a positive note and leave it at that. Things are changing and it makes it hard to adjust to, but you do need to adjust.

For the record - I enjoy hearing about your other exploits and how things are going. But it seems that your reason to post here, if not about her, would be...awkward

How about posting both?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ, Antonia, Brooklyn and Seeking.

Things are getting easier for me, but I still can't help but hold onto hope.

I wondered last night if when she says things like "I've been wanting to leave you for 5 years" if those are her true feelings or the MLC talking.

Seeking, you asked what scares me about her not seeming to be in "crisis mode." It is a lot like what Antonia said. I guess I feel there is still a chance if she is.

The initial high of getting their freedom wears off. She may be finding the grass isn't greener and the same mundane things she had to deal with while you were together are still there.

I think she may be at this point or fairly close to it. I also think that after our mediation the other day, that she is starting to realize that her "fantasy life" may not be coming true. She may be realizing that she isn't going to get everything thing that she thought she was "entitled" to.

It is interesting that she goes to the courthouse with you and has none of what she needed to complete the transaction of deeding the house to you. It just goes to show how messed up she still is.

True. Matter of fact, she was still filling them out when I arrived.

Really would like to hear about you and what you're doing and working on.

Right now, all I can really concentrate on is being a great dad and I think I've done that pretty well. I've looked at some of the stuff that W accused me of. I'm working on the stuff that stung. Trying to be a better listener, more understanding, less uptight, less critical....

As for other goals, I would like to find a different place to live but I'm pretty much in limbo until my job starts. I did get an official start date though! They called and told me that I'll be starting on August 19th. I've got a great schedule too. I'll work 4 ten-hour days. Mon, Tues, Thur and Friday. Basically a Monday-Friday job with a day off in between. Awesome.

She needs to see that you have made changes and to see if they are real. And trust me, even is she isnt in contact with you, if she wants to know about you, she will figure out a way to find out.

I hope so.

Your job is to give her the space and time to figure out (is she chooses to) that it is her.

This scares me too. She has never been one to admit that she was wrong or made a mistake or admit that something is wrong with her.

I get the feeling that now, for some reason, she thinks that she is too good for me.

You did wonderfully at lunch. The exact things that you didnt do allowed her to see you in a different light.

Thanks Brooklyn. I hope so.

Remember I mentioned early on she may try to come back? She likely has a strong pull to do that. But it wasn't very long ago that she mentioned you had your chance (which is nuts of course) remember?

Haha. Yes I do. It is funny, I'll start thinking sometimes that maybe it isn't MLC, but then I'll remember something that she did or said that convinces me that yes, she's nuts.

I've had a decent day. We had a thunderstorm roll in here at about 5am and I went outside and enjoyed it. Spent some time by the pool. Now.....laundry time. I've put it off long enough.

BTW - if she asks, I will not go to lunch with her on Tuesday even though I would love to.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just an update. I had a pretty good weekend. I spent some time with friends and hung out by the pool.

S16 went back to school this morning. Hard to believe that the Summer is already over.

I did well yesterday. W came over to drop S16 off and I made sure that I was GONE. However, I found out from S16 that she actually came into the house. (Funny because she swore that she would never set foot in here again.)

We had a few brief exchanges via text over the weekend that were pleasant and mostly about D stuff. She sent a text to me on Saturday and told me that she got S16 more school supplies. I thanked her.

She continues to spend money like crazy.

Something happened late last night though that has me a little confused. I know that I shouldn't read much into it, but I can't help but wonder about it. I'll explain, but it takes a little back story first:

A few years ago around Christmas, W and I had come back from Christmas shopping. We had a bunch of bags laying on the floor and were wrapping presents and listening to Christmas music. All of a sudden, we hear a weird noise and apparently, one of our cats was messing around and got stuff inside one of the bags. She was going nuts because she couldn't get out. We laughed and laughed about it.

So........last night right out of the blue at about 11:30 I get this text from W:

"Hilarious!! Kitty cat just got stuck in a bag. Classic rerun!"

My response:

"Hahaha. Funny stuff! Wish I could've seen it. Thanks for sharing."

No response.

That was it. It just struck me odd that she would even send me this. I haven't really received any sort of text like this from her in over a year.

What's the deal?

Tad

[MHL]

She was just checking in on you to see if you were still where she left you.

Kinda like a toy that you don't want to play with anymore but you don't want anyone else to play with it......stop being so available.

I know it hurts to think that she thinks about you but yet can't stand the thought of being married to you........doesn't make sense............

Sooooooo

Stop trying to figure it out.

Post it and we will all laugh, Have you read some of the stuff Brooklyn's XH says????

Laughter is great medicine......just sayin'

BTW, love the work schedule!!!!!

Cheers

[whitneypinch]

My XW did this for over 2 years.
We even would go out with the kids and have fun times together.
I finally had to ask her to stop.
It just became too painful.

I think a lot of these X's do all of this to show the world, the kids and themselves that it's all ok. They think if we are all friends then it's all ok.

If our X's want to work on getting back together they will let us know. There would be no question, we would know.

Take everyone's advice and continue to move forward.
Yep, it [censored] and you can't make any sense of it BUT you are doing great. Better than I did.

I really appreciate you writing all you do. It really helps me out when I am feeling down.

[seeking answers]

Tad,

Good job on GAL! Also on being gone when W stopped by. I'd bet that she doesn't even remember that she said she'd never set foot in the house again. Don't ask her though, just let it go.

MHL is right. Stop trying to figure out why she does what she does, otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.

Hang in there Tad, you're doing good!