Losing hope

[AloneAt35]

LisOO7,

You say that the seperation was largely initiated by you, and pushed the divorce forward by refusing counseling, etc. You said that your marriage had lost "intimacy, closeness, shared goals,...etc." So what has changed that makes you want your Ex-H back? (Other than that you are now truly alone for the first time...)

If he were to ever trust you enough again to move past amicable co-parenting, you are going to have to be able to answer this question (and more) for him. What has changed in you? It may be as simple an answer as saying "I don't know where my head was during that time, I don't know how I didn't appreciate you when I had you!" Or it may be something more complicated requiring deeper introspection, but you are going to have to be able to tell him (and more importantly, SHOW him) what has changed within you to explain your sudden longing for a man and a marriage that you let go of very easily two years ago.

I agree with all the others, its possible your husband still has feelings lurking around for you, but its more likely than not that at this point, they aren't positive feelings. Because why would they be?

Expecting that he still "loves" you at this point is a bit of a stretch - not impossible, but not likely. How have your actions in the last two years been loving toward him? Why would he love someone who refused counseling, bailed on a marriage, and then exposed her two impressionable teenage children to a rebound cohabitation (despite knowing that it wouldn't work from week 1). I know this sounds harsh, but I am only trying to show you where your husband's heart and mind may be at this point.

However, I don't think your situation is as hopeless as it may appear. It is just going to require tons of patience and accountability on your part. Your primary concern shouldn't be earning back your Ex-H's love at this point, but rather earning his forgiveness and respect. Nothing is as healing as a heartfelt apology that isn't just a 'blanket' apology, but rather takes responsibility for the specific unloving actions you took against your husband and family. A few well-chosen words of contrition will help both you and your ex-H move forward...and quite possibly together.

Good luck, I think you can do this if you keep your expectations real, are honest about the emotional fallout of your prior actions, and know that you must SHOW your Ex-H a changed and better person, not just a needy, lonely person with divorce remorse.