Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

I give you props for that. Big time.

Merci beaucoup, DG!

Last couple of days have been nice.. the weather is finally starting to calm down, and I am grateful for that. Went on a nice long walk yesterday and got a lot of little things taken care of.

I have been thinking some about my situation - reading other people's situation has certainly poked ideas in my head. Mostly a whole lot of what-ifs.

Coming up on the three month anniversary of her walking out, I am reflecting a lot on the past year and how much pain she inflicted on me. I don't do this to dismiss the pain I probably have inflicted on her, but to consider further what I want at this point. From myself. From any possible future R.

Perhaps it is in reading how other people have handled the 'what if he/she wants to try and work it out' question, but I have found myself wondering what I would do. Honestly, I think my first instinct would be to just say yes. I don't know if this is because I just really want to work it out, or because I feel like I wouldn't want to be seen as being coy about things when I've been direct and clear about the fact that I still love her and feel like things could work out. I've often played my cards close to my chest and I am working at breaking that habit a little bit.

It seems silly to think about at this point - she has her stuff out of the apartment and who knows if/when we'll be in touch. I'm starting to really know the futility of looking so much at those variables in terms of my own 'stuff' going on.

That said - I wonder what I could be doing to 'keep the road home smooth.' She isn't the strongest person and I definitely get the impression she is being coached in terms of getting this D. So any road home is going to have to be downhill and paved in ice!! I don't remember where I put my zamboni..

Finished reading Schnarch's Intimacy and Desire last night. In many ways it is an 'easier' version of Passionate Marriage, but the style is certainly more in accord with the modern self-help book format. He introduces some new ideas and distills it down into a trademarkable framework that is easier to refer to. He spends a lot more time discussing the neuropsychological aspects of his ideas, which is interesting and certainly provides another window into the idea that "one person can change a relationship by changing themselves" concept. Many of his examples contain very interesting parallels with the experiences I was having in my own M. All in all, I would really recommend it to anyone who is interested in that kind of thing.