Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[aeolianchaos]

And you are right, this is something that deserves some thought. Honestly, when things were going well between us, I didn't always have a good idea of what "should" be happening.

I don't mean to imply that your entire life experience needs to be so consciously goal oriented, but certainly right now you are making choices with certain goals in mind, right?

I don't know that there is a 'should' that exists here. I think when we get caught up in 'should' we can really throw ourselves into a tailspin when things that naturally can occur are happening and we feel like they shouldn't. Or, we believe that something 'should' happen but it isn't. Chances are it all makes sense on a very elegant level, but we aren't able to see the design behind it right now.

A big plus to this whole DBing thing is that we learn so much about relationships and the nature of things inside of them. In doing so, I know I have found that many of my assumptions and beliefs turned out to be very poorly based on fact. I suspect it is the same for most of us - our ignorance and expectations can become a hindrance to finding deeper happiness.

There are times when we all gt out of synch with our partners. This is completely normal and healthy, yet many times I think we stress about it to the nth degree because we think it means there is something wrong with our R.

I think the fact that your W is communicating with you the way she is, is a very positive sign. Sometimes warmth and goodwill are what a relationship needs for the moment.

I get how pushing yourself hard can be unhealthy, but there is an extent to which it has practical value - you get things done, you have more discipline, you become more capable.

This is a great observation. There is a lot of benefit to doing your best at what you choose to do. It is okay to have some 'off' times, though. What are you doing to balance your 'active' states with something that might 'recharge' your batteries?

And I know that I still have a long way to go. If for no other reason than the fact that I know I need to change a lot to prevent this from happening again. Become not so much of a "divorceable" husband. Be a person in my own right, with something special to contribute to our relationship.

You have a lifetime to go in pursuing being the kind of person that you really want to be. It sounds like you do contribute something special to your relationship already. As you evolve and grow, your contribution will change and things will hopefully evolve as well.

When W became more willing to relax around me, even though I said I needed to keep up changes, I would always, down deep, take it as though things were "all better."

It sounds like you felt like those changes weren't as strongly forged from a desire to change your own life but to keep your M together. One of the reasons people tend to be most able to change in crisis is that they develop a very strong internal motivation to improve their own lives. When we pursue change to influence another person, it usually does tend to be somewhat short-lived and the foundation tends to have some significant cracks in it.

The kind of change you are making - do you like yourself more when you are 'living it'? Even though it may be uncomfortable or different, do you find yourself feeling a little bit prouder of who you are when you 'become' the kind of change you want to be?