Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Do you feel like you have more clarity about what your goals are? What to you, seems like the first sign that things are changing?

Wow. One of the problems is that I do have trouble figuring out what goals are. And you are right, this is something that deserves some thought. Honestly, when things were going well between us, I didn't always have a good idea of what "should" be happening. Good things just happened. And I just enjoyed them, without really knowing what the things were that were making this a "good" time for us. I guess right now, if I had to try to pretend as though I were planning a good relationship time, I wouldn't really know where to start.

As for first signs, that is, actually a little easier. Like I said, I can see when things are good, I just wouldn't know (yet) how to plan them that way. W isn't as terse or limited in her responses to me lately. Sometimes when I come home and give her a kiss on the cheek (keep the door open, you know), she actually presses her cheek against mine. But more than anything else, it is the fact that she sometimes just chats - it makes things much more comfortable between us.

And, of course, the occasional sex is certainly helpful.

It's been really something lately - I don't know how many people could understand what I am going to say, but since I have been GALing (and really only very small efforts for that) I have become more aware of how things feel for me - I think I taste food more, I feel it more when I am tired, I am aware when my kids talk to me. I guess it is a good thing, but it is a huge change, and I am not sure exactly how I feel about the change.

Add to that the fact that there is a sort of "trade-off." Since this change has happened, I have been less careful of my eating habits (my belt feels a lot tighter thann it used to) I haven't been getting in to work as early, haven't been getting up early to work out before work, have not been pushing myself as hard. And my Karate has kind of stunk, lately. I get how pushing yourself hard can be unhealthy, but there is an extent to which it has practical value - you get things done, you have more discipline, you become more capable.

Maybe I feel insecure with this change because I don't really know how to "balance" with it. It changes the conditions that I have worked around, that I relied on in making my plans.

Well, I guess I didn't start DBing because I wanted things to stay the same. And I probably just forgot that ALL change is uncomfortable at first.

A couple of nights ago, W rolled over in bed and told me that while she appreciates what I have been doing, she knows that things are still a little uncomfortable between us, and that this could take a while. The fact that she shows such hope in our relationship, and the fact that she showed such concern for the difficulties I would have while our marriage was recovering, was a HUGE thing for me. I stayed casual, and told her that I understood. I said that things couldn't change overnight, and I just figured that I would make the changes I knew I needed to make and then just wait...for us to become more comfortable together, for things to get better.

I guess maybe this means that D was never really on her mind (this time - there have been plenty of other times in our M that it was a real specter). But the DB has so far proven to be invaluable. As are all of you here. I don't know how I would have made as much progress as I have without your support.

And I know that I still have a long way to go. If for no other reason than the fact that I know I need to change a lot to prevent this from happening again. Become not so much of a "divorceable" husband. Be a person in my own right, with something special to contribute to our relationship.

Well, here I am talking as though the problem is solved. I am looking ahead of myself. W is speaking casually to me, and talking about our future, which are both huge steps forward. Still, we very seldom kiss on the lips (the times we have sex are about it), she doesn't tell me she loves me, either directly or indirectly, and we are far from open in our communication.

I think this is part of what made problems come back so many times before. When W became more willing to relax around me, even though I said I needed to keep up changes, I would always, down deep, take it as though things were "all better."

But I am starting to get a vague picture of what things will look like when they are better.

This is a lot more complex than I am used to processing. Quantum physics is nothing compared to trying to understand your own life while you are in the middle of it.