Thanks, DG. That's a good point. And lc4, thanks for the giggle. You're both right -- I just have to keep doing my best.
Anyway, yesterday evening my H send me a long text about some notes he had made going back to 2009. Apparently, he had been keeping a journal of incidents that had hurt him.
One example was forgetting to buy him a card for our Anniversary. I don't recall doing this but I apologized and told him if I could go back, I would do things differently. I validated all the points on his list. I'm not sure why he keeps saying he's leaving and then wants to talk more intimately about our marriage then we have in the past couple of years, but I guess that's what he needs right now.
We also discussed my contemplating divorce book. He had a lot of questions about my notes in the book. (I was feeling very negative during that time.) He kept apologizing for the things I had written or highlighted in the book.
Then he asked me for my list.
I wrote up my list of issues/hurts in the format suggested by Kaffe Diem. He was very receptive and very apologetic. Some points made him cry and he told me if he could go back, that he too would do things differently.
He again expressed how embarrassed he was about his behaviour and that he was sorry he had contributed to me feeling unsafe and disconnected in our relationship. Here's where I probably should have kept my big mouth shut but I asked him if he was so embarrassed then why did he keep doing the same thing -- threatening divorce and then taking it back because that certainly wasn't making me feel very safe or connected. He got defensive and said he's not able to express himself as well as I am.
H is going away on business this week so I offered to pack up his clothing. I also asked when he wanted to tell the children that he was moving out. I debated whether or not to do this but I decided it was a 180 for me because I don't actively pursue but he did say yesterday morning that he was feeling guilty about hurting me and the kids but just couldn't stay in this marriage. I certainly don't want him to stay out of guilt so I thought this was a way of showing that I was accepting of his decision.
He said he didn't want me to pack up his clothing because he was worried the kids would notice and he asked me not to say anything to the kids and to give him more time to think. Then he started stroking my hair and said there was a huge wall between us and he didn't know how to knock it down.
H mentioned during our talk that Physical Touch was on of his LL's so I asked if he wanted a hug. I usually let him initiate all physical contact so this was a 180 for me. He said yes and we had a very heartfelt long embrace.
So it seems we're once again back to the contemplating stage...
