You're right, Ken. I do sound resigned to losing. I can only guess what the courts will do, but regardless of whether I will keep this L or find a different one, the reality is my L speaks the truth. What she said corroborates against all other information and precedence I have found on the topic in my jurisdiction.
At this point, I really could care less if anyone thinks I'm out to scr3w my W. I mean really... I did, at least once...
Thankfully I'm more than enough detached to not let this get to me. As the WAS handbook might attest, I'm not sure if this scr3w comment was designed to have me once again believe that I AM the bad guy, here. I checked my temp, and although an honest part of me would entertain the idea of going hard in the courts for custody and an "overly equal" share of assets... the reality is, that is no where close to whom I am...
If anyone would want to suggest that my desired 50/50 custody and asset split is somehow wrong of me... I won't loose a wink of sleep, that's for sure... it's right for the kids...
I am rationalizing and justifying my belief here, and I'm OK with that. It will come out like I'm arguing semantics, and I am. There's an integral part of the semantics that really is a core of who I am and what I believe, historically and into the future.
If I've resigned myself to losing, then I'm playing a game of win / lose. If I lose or my W loses, then we've just enabled possible victim mentality between the two of us. The truth is, the only victims in all of this, the only losers, would be the kids.
So this is more than just shifting my thinking to win / win, it's actually conducting myself accordingly...
As it stands, everyone has lost out. That's from a historical perspective. From a CURRENT and FUTURE perspective, it is simply the starting index.
+ If I simply move on right now without a fight, the index remains unchanged. No win, but no (apparent) loss.
+ If we go to court right now, the index continues to be unchanged.
+ If I wait and do nothing, the index remains unchanged.
In any of the above, if I continue to work on myself and be the best and better father that I can be, then the index moves up. Everyone benefits. Working on myself REQUIRES moving myself forward from where I currently am physically, not just emotionally...
I COULD fight and everyone COULD win. The reality is, I do not want to be with my W. And at some future time, I can take the fight to a different hill.
As I drove home last night, I had a bit of a lightbulb moment... I really no longer fear the D. I no longer fear losing custody of the kids. For all intents and purposes, as a nuclear family, we have hit rock bottom. Moving forward can either have no effect or bring positive benefit. OK yes, things COULD get worse, but the change certainly wouldn't be significant.
So the question is, could I just keep working on myself and do nothing else? Because that would bring positive change.
Yes, I could do that. Do I need to learn anything more from patience? Perhaps. I could learn that "good things come to those who wait." The truth is, good things come to those who ACT, as well. I... have always been an actor...
Taking away labels of from my W of WAS or MLC, I'm not concerned as to where her future leads. I am not concerned about whether she will ever come out of her "fog". I am not concerned about whether there is even such a THING as "fog"... I do not want to be with this woman. Now, or in the future. No regrets. I make my choice and I move forward.
It's a funny thing, regrets... A lot of people talk about the financial regrets of a D. D or not, people make choices around money and have their ups and downs. They make money, they upsize, they lose money, they downsize. If they lose money, they talk about regrets. If they MAKE money, they don't talk about regrets... yet they will continue to make money and they will continue to lose money...
Regrets... are a choice...
Could I regret the marital situation I find myself in? Yes. Could I regret the familial situation my kids are in? Yes. Could I regret a D? Yes...
Could I regret waiting this long to make a choice? Yes...
Could I simply move forward and create a better future? Yes!
Will regrets benefit me? No.
It is not a D, it is not patience, it is not working on me, it is not trying to R, it is not moving to Africa that will prevent me from having the best possible R with my kids. It is ME and ONLY ME that will prevent that. And that will be prevented only if I live in fear of regret...
I was still stuck in my fear...
I have surrendered my fear...
I can only be the best father to the kids if I take care of me, so that I can take care of them. And that only comes from moving forward... NOW!
And if, in moving forward, I manage to get 50/50 custody of the kids sometime in the future... bonus... but only if, at that time, it would be beneficial to the kids... every bit of access to me AND my W will benefit the kids, now... and in the future... regardless of the actual split percentage...
Maximum gain? Yes, that's always the goal. But cost / benefit ratio needs to play a part. There is only a cost and not a benefit, if we stay where we are... if we do not finish this... in court, or otherwise...
