Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[tpc1977]

I love/hate reading this stuff. Mainly because of what I'm going through myself. But I have to say, you are a very strong, committed man. Make those changes stick - not for her, but for you. That's what I had to do. It's what I'm still doing. And it's my motivation to be a better man for myself and anyone I come in contact with.

Cheers, man. Keep praying, keep hoping, keep working.

[MHL]

TPC,
Good to see you here. I was actually thinking about you when I was posting to MTS earlier.

Cheers

[♪CS♪]

Definitely focusing on myself now. Have no other choice.

Oh, you have other choices.

But it looks like you are choosing the right one

You have gotten some great advice.

Just keep truckin'

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That's the craziest part right now is knowing that nothing else legal happens until October 19th when me meet for mediation.

crazy good.

Love the name change. Great frame of mind.
How is school going for you man?

[MadeToSucceed]

School is coming along ok. I made an A in my Marketing course. Still don't know my Accounting grade and I'm just praying somehow I pulled out C.

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. It's weird because I don't "feel strong" most of the time so it's kind of good to get that reinforcement from virtual brothers and sisters dealing with similar situations. It's odd how the spouse is typically the one we would look to for that kind of reinforcement and yet the spouse is the one causing the pain. But it's good to have a board like this. It's been heaven sent for me.

[MadeToSucceed]

It's been a while since I last posted...

Went to an extremely empowering Men's Conference that TD Jakes put on last Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Helped me grow so much and stirred up what I forgot was always in me. I was literally worshiping with 9000+ men of all walks of life and it was pretty awesome.

Had to get a final few things on Saturday from the house. Put it all on the line. Told her how much I love her and how much I'm willing to do for her. That I'm not willing to share her with another man. That I'm not willing to just be her friend. That I'd do anything. That I forgive her. That I know about her going to see the other man. Asked her to stay and crack open the Bible with me and bounce both of our feelings and wants off of it and see what lines up and what doesn't and let that govern us. She plainly stated "I've told you I don't want this. You don't listen to me. I want you to leave. We don't have lawyers and you aren't getting your things because I'm playing around."

Asked how she could turn her back on me and God in this situation. I think I said the right thing but probably at the wrong time...or rather maybe I was the "wrong" person to say that to her. She used that as her trigger to shut down. Said that's how she knows everything I'm saying isn't of God because I don't know her relationship with God or what she reads in her bible. I told her she's my wife, we're one and WE should have a joint relationship with Him as well as our individual ones and that's all I'm asking...that we go to his word together and see what is says. Asked her what would she do if something happened to me and she said I'd be at the funeral or hospital.

At the end of it all...my main thing I conveyed was essentially I'm no longer participating in the charade. I added more "lovey dovey" than necessary, I'm sure. And if that pushed her away more, I understand that. I honestly just had some final things I had to say...I prayed on it and was just really empowered and needed to get it off my chest one final time.

I got my stuff together and told her we needed to go through wedding gifts. She said she doesn't want anything until she saw all the gifts and then gets upset saying just take it all. So I pretty much did. I asked before every item and it was like she wanted to say she wanted certain things but she finally left the room because she had to get dressed and ready to go catch her flight to see the other man. Tried to kiss her and she said don't. Tried to hug her and she gave me a fake one.

Told her I love her and if NEEDS me or she decides she really wants me, she knows how to reach me. Finally left with tears in my eyes only to realize I'd left the unity candle from our wedding. Called her and got no answer. Texted her "I was just calling to ask where the unity candle was and if you don't want it and/or intend to throw it away I would very much like to have it. It means a lot to me." She responded as she was boarding I guess..."Ok. I just can't talk right now. Its too much. I'll make sure you get it."

Didn't hear from her all day yesterday only to wake up this morning to a text about her saying we can meet up to take care of the final bill situation during my lunch break. I responded and told her I'd meet her at the utility location at 12:45pm.

I truly am taking my hands off of her. I'm not going to contact her or anything. If she calls I'm not going to answer right away. I'll let her leave a voicemail or be specific in a text about what she wants. She leaves for Asia tomorrow and will be gone for about 3 to 3 1/2 weeks finishing out her track season. I found out this morning from a mutual friend she is actually telling people they can celebrate her freedom with her in October.

It's just sad but I have a bit of peace now. I spent the entire day yesterday at the movies...something I haven't done in a long time and it felt good. I'm done sulking and wallowing in misery. I know there are tough days ahead but I can't allow myself to stay in that mode. I'm going to be fine. I'd love to be fine with my wife but the only way that is going to happen is if it is in God's will and if my wife actually is receptive to repentance and fully doing a 180. There's nothing I can do that is going to change her. So I'm fine continuing to try to make me better. It hurts but it is what it is.

I plan to meet her today, sign what we have to sign and leave. No small talk needed. Nothing left for me to say. She knows where I stand so I'm not going to be rude to her but I'm not about to try to pretend things are all roses either.

[MHL]

Hey MTS,

Well, I will tell you that I am glad you went to the conference and if it bolstered your confidence then that is great.

I am not so sure about what you said to your wife........

You basically gave her an ultimatum......are you ready to see that through?? I mean REALLY??

I did the same thing and I was not ready and I just came across as pathetic........

You basically said come back to the marriage or that is it, you tried to use guilt from a biblical prespective.

She will use the bible to absolve herself of her sin......I mean that is what we are supposed to do right???

Look at it from her perspective.......if God forgives me then you should too, and if you don't then you are not being a good Christian.

I hope you truly embrace what you have said about being happy for YOU.......that is the very best thing you can do, that means that she is no longer good for you while she is uncommitted and is actively involved in an affair or pushing through to get the divorce done.

That also means that you don't care about this stuff VVVVVVV

I found out this morning from a mutual friend she is actually telling people they can celebrate her freedom with her in October.

So are you going to truly let her be and let go???

What does that look like??

[jbnati]

MTS,
I am glad you went to a great men's conference. That is a top notch GAL activity, IMO!

I was about to throw some penalty flags for your interactions with your W. That appeared to be laced with some of those classic DB "DO NOTS". It appeared there was some pursuing and begging pleading, etc. It also appeared she pushed back HARD.

I read on though. You've said your peace. Now it's time to get on course and stay there. You've stated your new direction. Now stick to it. 1 yard N-S is better than 10 yds. E-W

Glad to hear you are done being miserable. God doesn't want you to be there. Let Him fill your heart and head and let His presence in you radiate outward.

[MadeToSucceed]

You basically gave her an ultimatum......are you ready to see that through?? I mean REALLY??

I did the same thing and I was not ready and I just came across as pathetic........

I guess I know I'm not "ready" for that but at the same time everything is pointing directly to that. In some ways I feel she needs to feel like I will move on with out her if that's what she is forcing me to.

You basically said come back to the marriage or that is it, you tried to use guilt from a biblical prespective.

She will use the bible to absolve herself of her sin......I mean that is what we are supposed to do right???

Look at it from her perspective.......if God forgives me then you should too, and if you don't then you are not being a good Christian.

I understand where you're coming from...but at the same time you're absolved of that sin when you repent for it and turn from it. I wasn't trying to guilt her...more than anything I was asking her to help me understand her own biblical perspective. I do forgive her. And I agree...so does God...but only when she asks for that forgiveness. The way I see it she'll use the Bible to RATIONALIZE what she's doing...i.e. "I can keep doing this because I know I'll be forgiven anyways." There's nothing "right" about that and I guess having just left the conference I had a tough time holding my tongue there.

So are you going to truly let her be and let go???

What does that look like??

I don't mean it like "let her be and let go" entirely. I still WANT to succeed with my wife but I can't DO anything to make that happen. So when I say "let it go" I mean in terms of me reaching out to her...particularly since we've now pretty much knocked out all the bills stuff. I mean what is left for me to say? She's made it painstakingly clear what her stance is and honestly she hasn't deviated from it too much.

I really hope I'm not coming off as combative MHL...I fully understand what you're saying and appreciate your words of support more than you know. I'm not trying to go against DB'ing...I guess I let her get me kind of caught up in the moment while I was trying to get the last of my things and she was just being so cold and hateful...having just come from the men's conference I just had a different spirit kind of running through me...one that I felt was leading to me let her know it doesn't HAVE to be this way.

All of last week she made it very clear that she felt it was best she didn't communicate with me anyways.

I don't man...I guess she just caught me in a state of vulnerability and I took the bait. I don't know if there is a way to "rectify" what I "did" but I honestly wasn't trying to guilt her but I guess it sometimes doesnt matter what I was trying to do...it's about how she perceived my actions.

A huge part of me just wants to see if I can call to cancel the utility account I have if it won't cost anything for her to start up service in her name so I don't have to see her today.

If I do see her, I don't know how to "present" myself to "undo" any further damage I did on Saturday.

[MadeToSucceed]

MTS,
I am glad you went to a great men's conference. That is a top notch GAL activity, IMO!

I was about to throw some penalty flags for your interactions with your W. That appeared to be laced with some of those classic DB "DO NOTS". It appeared there was some pursuing and begging pleading, etc. It also appeared she pushed back HARD.

I read on though. You've said your peace. Now it's time to get on course and stay there. You've stated your new direction. Now stick to it. 1 yard N-S is better than 10 yds. E-W

Glad to hear you are done being miserable. God doesn't want you to be there. Let Him fill your heart and head and let His presence in you radiate outward.

I know jb. I think I knew when I left I'd "messed up" but yesterday I just was determined to NO LONGER look pathetic to her even if that's how I sometimes feel.