Starting the week off waking up sick to my stomach. It was so nice to be visiting family and not be sick. I hate that the stress of my sitch causes me so much health stuff. I've lost alot of my hair, alot of weight, alot of sleep.
W did get back to me about accounts. She's also pushing to start negotiation talks this week. In some ways I can't wait for this to be over. Dealing with my w has me an emotional wreck. I'm soo much healthier with her out of my life.
I will push myself to have these conversations with her. At first I thought I was running because I didn't want D or because I didn't think I was strong enough to be the person I'm becoming. But I think it's more fear based. That I am afraid of my w.
For example. I recently dyed my hair blond and bought 4 dresses. I feel really good about my body. I plan on wearing one to the meeting w/ her. But I have to stand in front of my mirror and talk myself up because I expect her to say something that cuts me. How sad is that!!!
The old me would just wear crappy clothes so I didn't have to deal with that.. but I like being feminine. It makes me feel good. She doesn't want to be part of my life.. so why should I let her control me still?? I know part of DBing is dressing nice, making them jealous. To make them wonder. Doing that means I get sh!t upon by w. She's jealous, angry, and then takes it all out on me. So I move forward knowing that I am doing this for me.. and there will be pain because of it.
Dealing with the really cold, b!tch of a w is new for people on this board. For me.. it's dealing with the old. I remember her punishing me, making fun of me, ignoring me and my feelings if they weren't what she wanted to hear. Dealing with the "Hyde" scared me so much that I stopped expressing myself, stopped taking caring of myself.
Now I'm looking her in the face and saying "stop.. you can't treat me that way anymore" Sticking up for myself financially, emotionally knowing that I am going to feel hatred. It's so hard.
So I ask this board for prayers. I don't want to d my w but I believe that God has a purpose for me that I may not understand. Since the s, I have become such a better person. Since the s, I've become more happy and loving. Since the s, I've started to grow some b@lls (yes I know I'm female) People say that I glow. What does this all mean? I don't know. I only know that I feel better with w not in my life. That breaks my heart in some ways. It some ways it gives me hope.
Sorry I realize I do alot of journaling here vs. getting advice stuff. I love hearing people's comments, I just feel that my sitch currently is about me dealing with the abuse and fears surrounding my w. Maybe I should move an abuse forum.. but I like you guys soo much!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
