Last night I was either busy organizing the house or walking from one half-empty room to the next. As I did that I became more angry at my W for her part in this mess, and how it has affected so many more persons than just her. I thought about her EA, her contempt for our marriage and for me, her inability to deal with her own baggage and her nature to run from problems.
And then I realized...I was thinking totally about her. And hurting myself in the process.
I'm going to stop hitting myself with the big stick. In the last several months, whenever I've done some GAL activity - going to the gym, going out with my awesome kids or awesome friends, meeting new people or reading a book that was NOT about marriage, relationships, etc. - I've felt great; I've felt alive and valuable.
Whenever I've thought/obsessed about my W, our situation or our marriage I've felt miserable. Who needs that?
This is part of a reply I posted earlier this morning to DelinquentGurl & Julz...
"Like your spouses, my W has made minimal contact, and it's all business with her when she does. There is no feeling of love, or hope, or even a passing interest in trying to re-build our marriage. She has expressed all of the "I don't love you" variations.
This morning I took 3 small steps toward total detachment; some may view these as petty and insignificant but to me they were necessary, but difficult, steps to take. I deleted her from my Facebook account, changed my status to "separated" and deleted a remote link I had on my work computer to her e-mail account (we had a business together and both of our e-mail addresses were through the business).
I no longer want to know what she is doing. I don't want to know if she is back to her EA. The less I know about her new life, the less I will dwell on her and our situation and the healthier I will be. I no longer want to be a participant in her mixed-up world."
Am I calling it quits? No, I'm not there yet. Not ready to file for the Big D. I'm leaving the door open, but not as wide as I thought I would. If W decides she wants to give it another try there will need to be some serious changes made, including her getting IC and agreeing to complete transparency with her phone and e-mail accounts.
It's a dreary rainy Monday here in PA, but that's OK. I feel like I've taken some serious weight off of me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Telemark, I think you've made a good revelation. I think that anger about your situation is pretty natural. I still go though phases with it myself. So be prepared - it may come back from time to time.
If you're anything like me, you'll also go through phases where you're in a good place by not thinking about your situation, and then thinking you're not doing enough to help your situation. For me, it comes and goes.
I am glad to hear you're in a good place this morning.
Excellent, Telemark! You truly deserve a gold star for your DB'ing skills! I think you are doing exactly what you need to be. You recognize that when you start obsessing about your marriage and wife that it only hurts YOU. You have been doing a GREAT job at GAL'ing. Yes, you are going to have your down moments like last night, but by keeping the proper mindset, you will get through them. I think the steps to detach you took were very good ones. I assume you will be hearing from her once she realizes you are no longer FB friends. How will you respond?
Leave the door ajar, but not wide open....that is good.
Think of that rain as CLEANSING today, washing away some pain and anger, cleaning the slate. The sun will shine again.
Telemark, your thoughts are yours, you are in control of them, you can make them do what you want.
if you're feeling down walking through your house, change your perspective. find the angle that allows you to be happy.
empty room = lonely? OR empty room = music studio?
perspective. your choice, you'll just need to remind yourself who is in charge.
paint the walls, its inexpensive, and makes it yours. cover up some of the memories. its ok.
keep the music on.
and yes, take a break from reading books on relationships and marriage.
and as soon as you recognize you're thinking of the sitch, force yourself to think of something else. break the habit of thinking about the R.
I had gotten to the point that i needed to take a break from here, it was too much. constantly thinking of DBing and Rs and Sitch's became a habit. and thats not GALing, its self-destructive. even now, 2 years later i came back hoping to give back, and it sometimes affects me negatively so that all those old thoughts are back. i may have to leave again, but i want to help still.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Thanks, KenF. I have been "space-planning" and will be happy with the results once I re-furnish the house. As I had mentioned in an earlier post, it's just annoying that I have to spend money to replace what W took.
I can see where one would need to take a break from this site. Often I will start to read the new arrivals' posts and get depressed just thinking about how many thousands are going through the same crap we're going through here.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
