Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[MadeToSucceed]

It's been a while since I last posted...

Went to an extremely empowering Men's Conference that TD Jakes put on last Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Helped me grow so much and stirred up what I forgot was always in me. I was literally worshiping with 9000+ men of all walks of life and it was pretty awesome.

Had to get a final few things on Saturday from the house. Put it all on the line. Told her how much I love her and how much I'm willing to do for her. That I'm not willing to share her with another man. That I'm not willing to just be her friend. That I'd do anything. That I forgive her. That I know about her going to see the other man. Asked her to stay and crack open the Bible with me and bounce both of our feelings and wants off of it and see what lines up and what doesn't and let that govern us. She plainly stated "I've told you I don't want this. You don't listen to me. I want you to leave. We don't have lawyers and you aren't getting your things because I'm playing around."

Asked how she could turn her back on me and God in this situation. I think I said the right thing but probably at the wrong time...or rather maybe I was the "wrong" person to say that to her. She used that as her trigger to shut down. Said that's how she knows everything I'm saying isn't of God because I don't know her relationship with God or what she reads in her bible. I told her she's my wife, we're one and WE should have a joint relationship with Him as well as our individual ones and that's all I'm asking...that we go to his word together and see what is says. Asked her what would she do if something happened to me and she said I'd be at the funeral or hospital.

At the end of it all...my main thing I conveyed was essentially I'm no longer participating in the charade. I added more "lovey dovey" than necessary, I'm sure. And if that pushed her away more, I understand that. I honestly just had some final things I had to say...I prayed on it and was just really empowered and needed to get it off my chest one final time.

I got my stuff together and told her we needed to go through wedding gifts. She said she doesn't want anything until she saw all the gifts and then gets upset saying just take it all. So I pretty much did. I asked before every item and it was like she wanted to say she wanted certain things but she finally left the room because she had to get dressed and ready to go catch her flight to see the other man. Tried to kiss her and she said don't. Tried to hug her and she gave me a fake one.

Told her I love her and if NEEDS me or she decides she really wants me, she knows how to reach me. Finally left with tears in my eyes only to realize I'd left the unity candle from our wedding. Called her and got no answer. Texted her "I was just calling to ask where the unity candle was and if you don't want it and/or intend to throw it away I would very much like to have it. It means a lot to me." She responded as she was boarding I guess..."Ok. I just can't talk right now. Its too much. I'll make sure you get it."

Didn't hear from her all day yesterday only to wake up this morning to a text about her saying we can meet up to take care of the final bill situation during my lunch break. I responded and told her I'd meet her at the utility location at 12:45pm.

I truly am taking my hands off of her. I'm not going to contact her or anything. If she calls I'm not going to answer right away. I'll let her leave a voicemail or be specific in a text about what she wants. She leaves for Asia tomorrow and will be gone for about 3 to 3 1/2 weeks finishing out her track season. I found out this morning from a mutual friend she is actually telling people they can celebrate her freedom with her in October.

It's just sad but I have a bit of peace now. I spent the entire day yesterday at the movies...something I haven't done in a long time and it felt good. I'm done sulking and wallowing in misery. I know there are tough days ahead but I can't allow myself to stay in that mode. I'm going to be fine. I'd love to be fine with my wife but the only way that is going to happen is if it is in God's will and if my wife actually is receptive to repentance and fully doing a 180. There's nothing I can do that is going to change her. So I'm fine continuing to try to make me better. It hurts but it is what it is.

I plan to meet her today, sign what we have to sign and leave. No small talk needed. Nothing left for me to say. She knows where I stand so I'm not going to be rude to her but I'm not about to try to pretend things are all roses either.