Last night I was either busy organizing the house or walking from one half-empty room to the next. As I did that I became more angry at my W for her part in this mess, and how it has affected so many more persons than just her. I thought about her EA, her contempt for our marriage and for me, her inability to deal with her own baggage and her nature to run from problems.
And then I realized...I was thinking totally about her. And hurting myself in the process.
I'm going to stop hitting myself with the big stick. In the last several months, whenever I've done some GAL activity - going to the gym, going out with my awesome kids or awesome friends, meeting new people or reading a book that was NOT about marriage, relationships, etc. - I've felt great; I've felt alive and valuable.
Whenever I've thought/obsessed about my W, our situation or our marriage I've felt miserable. Who needs that?
This is part of a reply I posted earlier this morning to DelinquentGurl & Julz...
"Like your spouses, my W has made minimal contact, and it's all business with her when she does. There is no feeling of love, or hope, or even a passing interest in trying to re-build our marriage. She has expressed all of the "I don't love you" variations.
This morning I took 3 small steps toward total detachment; some may view these as petty and insignificant but to me they were necessary, but difficult, steps to take. I deleted her from my Facebook account, changed my status to "separated" and deleted a remote link I had on my work computer to her e-mail account (we had a business together and both of our e-mail addresses were through the business).
I no longer want to know what she is doing. I don't want to know if she is back to her EA. The less I know about her new life, the less I will dwell on her and our situation and the healthier I will be. I no longer want to be a participant in her mixed-up world."
Am I calling it quits? No, I'm not there yet. Not ready to file for the Big D. I'm leaving the door open, but not as wide as I thought I would. If W decides she wants to give it another try there will need to be some serious changes made, including her getting IC and agreeing to complete transparency with her phone and e-mail accounts.
It's a dreary rainy Monday here in PA, but that's OK. I feel like I've taken some serious weight off of me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
