I can't move forward and it's driving me nuts

[AntoniaB]

Thanks Beatrice, I feel like the healthiest thing for me is to try to come to terms with just accepting being alone. It's like I do accept it but when I do get lonely, I feel like I should be trying to find someone even just casually. It's a jealousy thing in many ways. I'm jealous that other people have what seems to me an easier life, someone there when they need them. I am very annoyed anymore at my married female friends who complain about the tiniest effort that they have to put out. I feel like saying come live a week in my house and take care of my acre yard and all the stuff that I have to mow and weed and whatnot, and all the groceries I have to haul, and all the things I have to handle when they break. I don't get to push it onto my husband like you do! And I think wow, am I setting myself up for a lifetime of "doing it all on my own 100%" because I can't stop loving him and only him even though he's gone, and the enormity of that gets me down.

I feel pressure from others, yes. A friend said I "had" to date because if I let too long go by I'd "get out of practice and NEVER be able to do it again." She also told me "friends and family are great, but nothing can replace romantic love and you NEED that to be happy." I actually tore her a new one over that...ha ha...because I think that's absurd.

I think people are afraid of me getting stuck living in the past in my head, which is why they push me to date. But you know when the happiest time was in the past month? I went on vacation with a girlfriend and was in a town where I had been once with my XH. I felt at peace there. We didn't go to the same places except for one. But somehow knowing I'd been there with him made me feel at home. Is that bad or good, I don't know. It's not like I look at old photos or videos at all. I never do. But I guess that the idea of eradicating him from my head feels threatening, which is why I feel guilty if I pay attention to any other guy.

So I guess that means I'm not through grieving and I have to just accept that I'm still processing it.

I cancelled my eharmony subscription earlier tonight. If I'd never gone on a date I'd say I was just being a scaredy cat, but I did it, and it still felt wrong. So I'm just going to accept that it's too early and people need to back off and let me grieve and STOP feeling sorry for me because I'm alone.

Beatrice can I ask what do you do to get through the lonely times? You said you have come to accept that at times you will be lonely, so how do you handle that?

One thing I feel in my skin is the absence of touch--I don't even mean sexual, just hand-holding or hugging or whatever. I miss it so bad it hurts. But the thought of just putting myself into a situation with some guy I don't feel for just to get that really is worse than the feeling of not having that in my life.