and i totally failed today when she did come over for lunch. ended up being lunch and 1 1/2 discussion... again.
and a little bit more back and forth in text since then. she even texted me i had been doing good what happened?
im going back thru my thoughts and trying to figure it out, i was doing good. i didnt feel that bad about what i was doing, it didnt seem natural but it didnt seem that out of place.
biggest thing i can think of is i was expecting results. and instead of really looking and seeing that i was getting results, i looked for results i WANTED TO SEE. i wanted to see more contact, more loving gestures. what she was doing, and of course i see them now, was talking to me more, not always being mad when we talked, answering the phone if i call... but i didnt see it as enough.
she just sent me a text that said.... 'reset!!!!' i just sent one back saying "done"
hopefully i didnt ruin tomorrow as thats our errand day we had planned. she did say what i fear, she took a risk coming to have lunch with me, and i turned it into a 2 hour discussion/fight. why do i know i cant do this but yet i still do?!?! sheez. need someone standing next to me with a 2x4!
the other thing a therapist told me, and its true... when you rob a bank and have a gun... if things go bad and you shoot someone... its not like you intended to shoot anyone, but you did... why have the gun? why rob the bank... i gotta stop going into the bank. and armed no less!
