Had a family reunion today, My W had to work so, me and the kids hopped a ride with my sister. We had to go out of town for the reunion, about an hour away in the country. It never occurred to me but in order to get to the reunion, we had to pass right through the town of the guy who is (i say is because until she tells me its over i dont know any different) my W affair partner. I brought everything back to the surface for me and I was shocked at how much anxiety it brought. I had a difficult time enjoying myself at the reunion, because I knew I had to go right back through that town again. It wasn't any easier the second time either. When I got home, I unpacked our things cleaned our mess and sent the kids off to bed. My wife was laying on the couch. I didn't speak to her, to be honest I couldn't, because I was afraid I would be angry with her. I suppose these feeling will continue, until we have a chance to deal with them.
Right now, I feel like I need her out. I thought I was doing ok to get over her A but, I may not be...
This is tougher than I thought...
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
My wife was laying on the couch. I didn't speak to her, to be honest I couldn't, because I was afraid I would be angry with her. I suppose these feeling will continue, until we have a chance to deal with them.
Right now, I feel like I need her out. I thought I was doing ok to get over her A but, I may not be..
.
It's really very tough.
It's good that you are on here posting about it rather than reacting to it with your W.
Right now isn't the time for that kind of thing - it won't help you save your M.
I experienced a lot of those anxieties when I was first dealing with the news of the A. In time, they go away, but you have to make a decision that you aren't going be defined by them.
Accept that you are going to experience these feelings. Plan on it. It's like running a marathon - you know there will be a wall, what are you going to do when you hit it?
Hang in there.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
“Hi Hope you had fun at your family thing yesterday....too bad non of the kids peeps were there they knew...sure it was still fun! Anyways just an fyi..... (D6) starts swimming every night for the next two weeks.....and saturday (D11) has tennis and then I may pick up (sisters) boys and take them for a picnic and park play for a bit with our three.....and sunday I am going back to school shopping in (City 100 Miles away) (outlets)!
Have a good day, Wife”
So, when I read this, it looks to me like she is setting up activities to avoid me. I thought that with our more frequent open communication she was starting to show signs of warming up… (Or am I being too sensitive?)
Did our open 2 hour R talk last Sunday make her set up these activities (and her job working all last weekend) as a way of avoiding me?
Or is she doing this for me to force me to detach?
How should I respond to her Email?
Am I just fooling myself in believing that she wants things to work out?
or am I expecting too much too soon? (Sandi I could use your perspective here)
What is my best course of action here to DB. I’m asking first before I action…
Johnnie…
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I want to invite myself along on the picnic. Her actions tell me that she is planning a seperate life under the same roof until she has the money to seperate, and to program the kids to being used a break up situation. I do not want seperate activities. I think it is important to do things together as a family. Her behaviors is very contradictory friendly one day, contradictory the next.
Is this normal behavior?
Should I invite myself along to see what her response will be?
It would tell me if she wants me there or not...
Is it a test from her to see what my reaction will be?
Is she feeling me out after my not talking to her last night?
Im confused and need some guidance...
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Also It is important to mention that I am trying to take myself off my Anti Depressant Meds, as I am unhappy with the side effects... Its been 3 days now without them...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I admit I'm not completely following your sitch, but a few things stood out to me...
Originally Posted By: Johnnieno1
I want to invite myself along on the picnic. Her actions tell me that she is planning a seperate life under the same roof until she has the money to seperate, and to program the kids to being used a break up situation. I do not want seperate activities. I think it is important to do things together as a family. Her behaviors is very contradictory friendly one day, contradictory the next.
Is this normal behavior?
Yes, the WAS often goes hot and cold. Your job is to be as steady as you can.
Also, there's generally nothing wrong with having your own time with the kids. I think family time is very important, but so is alone time, with or without kids.
Originally Posted By: Johnnieno1
Should I invite myself along to see what her response will be?
It would tell me if she wants me there or not...
No, you shouldn't invite yourself. The answer may be irrelevant anyhow, because she could change her mind every hour until then. You're trying to test the waters and the likely outcome is that you will get burned.
Originally Posted By: Johnnieno1
Is it a test from her to see what my reaction will be?
Is she feeling me out after my not talking to her last night?
Hard to say.
Originally Posted By: Johnnieno1
Also It is important to mention that I am trying to take myself off my Anti Depressant Meds, as I am unhappy with the side effects... Its been 3 days now without them...
This is what prompted me to respond. I don't know which ADs you are taking, but I *strongly* suggest that you do not wean yourself from them without running it by your doctor first. There are some meds where the withdrawals are pure h3ll... you don't want that right now.
Hope this helps.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
"Also It is important to mention that I am trying to take myself off my Anti Depressant Meds, as I am unhappy with the side effects... Its been 3 days now without them..."
"This is what prompted me to respond. I don't know which ADs you are taking, but I *strongly* suggest that you do not wean yourself from them without running it by your doctor first. There are some meds where the withdrawals are pure h3ll... you don't want that right now."
I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I will 2nd what LP said, especially with you being in such a fragile emotional state. I've been on ADs, and I've stopped taking them w/o consulting my dr. first. It was not fun.
Add the mess you're in the middle of right now, and you very likely may do or say something you will greatly regret later.
I sense panic in many of your posts. I'll bet your W can sense it, too. That will never get you closer to your goal. Stop analyzing her words and actions; she is just as confused, if not more, as you are. She might be putting on the game face, but believe me, she's not having fun on the inside.
Breathe. Step back. Detach.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Johnnie it seems your impatience is getting the best of you.
one good conversation doesn't mean its all rosy.
likewise one bad conversation doesn't mean its all trash.
just slow down and back off or risk losing it all.
forcing the issue is a sure way to damage what work you have done.
i said on another thread its like trying to get a squirrel to eat a nut out of your hand. show it you have food and then sit back. you cant chase the squirrel and force it to eat. inching forward works temporarily, but eventually you'll frighten it off. you need to peak its curiosity, gain its trust, and let it come to you in its own time. spook it and it may never come back.
your primary role now is to show her your nuts are better than anyone else's and let her choose you.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I sent her a text to let her know that "I need to talk to you tonight after the kids have gone to bed. Something happened today that is really bothering me and I don't want to discuss it in front of the kids. Can I meet you outside tonight on the swing for a beer?". She responded "k"
this is not good.
what you did here is sent her a text worded in such a way that it is sure to either frighten her or put her on the defensive. neither of which helps communication.
it is also very manipulative, because you've made it out to be so important and vague she had no choice but to join you in the conversation. you took away her choice to say no.
you forced yourself upon her.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
