H asked to come with me and the kids on a outing I planned yesterday. I'm doing my best to GAL and have been planning more outings for myself and the kids. Anyway, later in the evening, instead of going to bed early, H spent the evening watching a movie with me and even asked for me to join him on the couch. After, as I was getting ready bed, he sought me out for a hug (I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom). This morning he comes over and starts caressing my leg and then starts stroking my hair.
30 minutes later, he texts me and asks to talk upstairs. Then tells me he doesn't want to hurt me or the kids but he can't do this anymore. He still feels emotionally disconnected. Here we go again. Then more R talk. He says he will never make me happy. Then admits it will hurt him to see me with someone else. Then says I don't like and respect him anyway. Then talks about how sad he is that he's disappointed me and how he wishes he could go back and do things differently. What does he want from me?
I know he's not committed but I also know he's not truly done. It's like he expects all our problems with go away if he tries hugging me and spending a little time with me here and there. Or reads a few books. Then decides in a matter of days, that didn't work so I guess we're just not right for each other. Why buy a relationship book and then two days later, decide that didn't work in two days so I'm done. It's like he's desperate for some quick fix.
Do I tell him to just go? Move out if he must because he's so miserable here apparently. He can't sleep, he's anxious but then when it comes time to leave, he can't seem to actually follow through with that either.
Maybe he wants my permission. I don't see this working if all he thinks about is leaving anyway...
I've been GAL'ing, avoiding R talks except when he drags me into them. Although, I do manage to put them off for days until he insists we talk. Also, I've been feeling distant myself so it's been easy to give him lots of space. Definitely no pursuing on my part.
I've let him initiate physical contact and it seems like he seeks it out. Although, it also seems like he's trying to make sure I'm still connected to him because when he feels me detaching, it's like he feels the need to bomb me all over again. Either that or I'm reading this incorrectly.
I'm seriously conflicted. Our D16 will fall apart if he moves out. She's already depressed and dealing with serious self-esteem issues. But if I wait, it could happen in the middle of the school year. At least if he moves out now, she has time to process this all before school starts in September.
He seems determined to either leave or drag this out until it results in him leaving or me asking him to leave anyway. I guess I can't wrap my head around making this such a long drawn out process because I would never sit my spouse down and ask for a divorce, if days later I wasn't sure. And to do it 3 times within less than 4 months just seems emotionally immature and quite frankly, a little nuts.
