My former bil left my older sister after 3 kids, 22 yrs of m, and her working the whole time as a nurse. She put him thru law school, and was the giver in the m.
HE admits that, and now he is in a m with a woman whom HE describes as "high maintenance"- so yes there is karma and if you are lucky, you get to actually see it in this life time...
but back when they were m, this bil was a negatively programmed, self centered hair trigger temper man. Politically he was staunchly conservative. By personality, he was judgemental as heck and brutally critical of their children. I mean brutally. He attended an Episcopalian church after leaving the Catholic church.
So fast forward to NOW...10 years later, ex bil is a left winger. I mean, seriously a real LEFTIST...changed his economic and political views AND religious views, dramatically. He has his ear pierced, got a tattoo (formerly the subject of mockery by him, when others did it).
he bought a true MLC car & with a vanity license plate that screams "needy insecure MLCer wishing he'd never aged" (he never did "Get" what it meant to be cool. Still does the opposite of it).
Also announced to my sister, like a rebellious teen, that he's a "complete atheist & has been for awhile" (to which I would have said, "it shows").
In every way I can think of, he's gone to the other extreme EXCEPT...he's still a jerk to the kids. Less of one, but more indifferent than caring. Let's his new wife berate them.
They don't visit anymore as they are older. Their only d says her r with her dad is "doing alright. We see each other every few months for a meal, without his wife."....they live within an hour of each other& She has his only grandchildren. He sees them on their birthdays and Christmas.
Otherwise, he essentially changed personalities and married a woman the opposite of my sister, and changed places in the m.
Now HE does the marriage work, from what we can tell. His new w appears to be a taker. They are always in m counselling. She (the new wife, for whom he left my sister) is threatened by my sister. Ironic, isn't it? My sister would not take her ex back in a 222 years. Not b/c she's too angry. B/C she's too happy!
My sister is now married to a man who really "gets" her. He worships the ground she walks on.
She met him in the hospital when he was a patient. He asked her out. She said no, she couldn't date yet as she was recently divorced. She was not near ready. After, He sent her flowers and asked for coffee. She said "thanks for the flowers, no thanks to a date, but you're nice, so maybe in a year." She assumed he'd forget about her. Not so.
A year to the day later, he called. They've been m now for 7 years. And she is happier with her "new" h than she ever could have been with her ex h. Literally.
Even with his new personality, her ex is still irritable, self centered, &emotionally labile. Not an inwardly happy man. He THOUGHT it was the m that depressed him, but turns out, it was him.
to his credit, He does get this now. He told my sister words few LBSers get to hear.
Said he had "made a huge mistake" and that he regretted not working things out and hurting her and the kids. This was a month before her wedding to new h.
Her "new" h of 7 years is simply a happier man inside and out.
So I think my former bil did her a favor. I knew it at the time, but how can you tell that to someone who is very sad? I figured it would take her 2-3 years before she woke up to realize how much calmer her life is now. My younger sisters all agreed that "Someday, she'll be glad about this". I can't say she's "glad" for the divorce b/c of the pain to the kids, but she is glad he's out of her house and now that the kids are grown up, it's so smooth. She doesn't get that sick feeling about his latest rage episode or conflict, to which he was prone.
Anyhow, IDK how this will ultimately affect the kids, now grown up.
But I do know that some MLCers, for sure, don't come back their old selves. At least not so far, and it's been 10 yrs.
Hence the need for the LBSer to take care of their own lives and NOT assume all is hunky dory at OWs.
My ex bil is miserable but you wouldn't know it if you didn't hear what the kids heard when they visited him. (Many Muttered hushed conversations between ex bil and his new wife. EX bil having to spend nights on the couch or at a hotel after a big blow out... At a recent graduation party for their son, ex bil was grilling and his wife was whispering that SHE wanted to go...it was Ex Bil's idea to have the BBQ, to show us how great he's doing I think. I overheard him telling her "you can get through this..I know you can." I am telling you there were NO hostile vibes from us going to her. She wasn't really participating and was sort of not noticed. I mean, we were happy to have the mini reunion and celebrate nephew's college graduation. For his new w to feel THAT threatened or unable to cope is all on HER....and nutty to boot.
One last example of how little we know about how they're doing from what THEY tell us, versus reality... and then I'm signing off...but if you THINK your WAS is sooo happy...so did my sister. BUT
My sister's 15 y/o family dog needed to be put down...:( She and her ex h agreed about this and they both LOVED that dog. So did the kids.
This was the family dog of the first m. The kids were all adjusting to the divorce and remarriage AND now, the dog's death...a lot to handle.
It had only been months since both my sister and her ex h had each remarried.
Sister's "new h" made himself scarce so that the original family of five, could say good bye to their dog without the added stress of having OW and OM in the room and all their baggage or added tension.
The vet came to the home, they talked about the dog, recalled their favorite memories of her, petted her, fed her a fav meal, said their goodbeyes, and she passed away peacefully.
Ex bil then carried the dog out and buried her on his own, to his credit. It was a little bit of heroic stuff for HIM...and my Sister thanked him and he left.
Turns out, ex bil's new wife locked him out of their house. She was furious that SHE wasn't invited to the death ritual of the (first) family's dog, (an animal she despised, never housed). WTF?
Part of me feels sorry for former bil!! He picked a batchit woman. But she travels a lot so they spend 2+ weeks per month apart. No kids either. In HIS way it works. But is he HAPPY? God no. And he thinks "it happened TO HIM"...
as in, he feels sorry for how his life turned out..as if it landed on his head like a tree branch. Like he had no role in getting there
and as if he didn't inflict great pain on all those around him, those least deserving of it. Even now, it's Still all about HIM...God, he did my sister such a favor by leaving!! I remember that when I hear people saying "HE works in mysterious ways." He sure can.
So
Don't assume all the drama of the new, is good happy drama.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
