I know that if a guy is "into" you he will move heaven and earth to get to you.
Really? I have never known this in my life. because I have never experienced it, I always figured it was a fairytale, it only happened in the movies.
I've opened a few doors for the ladies in my life... not sure that's the same, though...
If there'll be any Mars secrets being told here... truth is... it might FEEL like we move heaven and earth... but all we really did was turned the ceiling fan on and adjusted the table arrangements... lol
I know what she means. When my ex and I were engaged, he told me that all I had to say was that I needed him and he would be there. I was in NC at the time and he was in KS. I was flying to Fort Lauderdale and had a long layover. I spoke with him and told him how much I needed him(it had been a while since we had time alone since we were in different states and every time I was home, we were busy with wedding stuff.
Well you guessed it, he flew to Fl for me. He was there only 6 hours as I had to go back to flying that day and he had classes back at KU.
Another guy I dated, drove 4 hours to see me as he was going to school out of state. Sometimes he would drive up in the middle of the week to surprise me. It meant alot then. Now it reminds me that I am worth that effort but don't worry I know it is a two way street.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. Is exactly what I was trying to say. OT is right on the money here. As an outsider looking in - I am thinking - "What are you thinking?"
KML - for years you listened to others here and gave some really sage advice. Practical. Smart. What would the old KML have said to someone who wrote what you wrote? I know the answer.
You have found yourself a "F*** Buddy" - this one doesn't even amount to a friend with benefit because "FRIEND" usually is someone you've known for a while and have fun doing non sexual activities with.
You are so above all this - why are you shopping for a guy in the wrong store? (and I really do NOT mean you need to find him at Nordstrom or Macy's). When I wanted a new relationship - I set priorities. First - someone who had a career - made the same or more than me (because there was no way I was going to support someone else) - someone with great values and goals for themself - someone who had not cheated on his past lover - etc.
You are asking our advice yet you want nothing to do with it.
I have heard these ridiculous stories before. It is all lies. And even if it wasn't - this man is not a good match for you anymore than some 20 something.
If you want a good catch - go fishing in the right water.
I think it's time to sit back and wait. See waht Mr. Big Lots does with all this.
This is also a good wake up call (thanks kml) for all of us on this side of the board. What will we tolerate in a new relationship? How do we stay true to ourselves and the boundaries we must set? I agree with SFO that you have to set priorities and stick to them.
I just went on a first date last night and asked all kinds of questions (partly because of this thread). It probably felt like a police interrogation to him. YET, I'm done with guys who aren't a good match, but I make excuses for them. After I got home, there was an email from him saying what a great time he had and how he can't wait to see me again. Now I'll sit back and wait for him to show me that he's "into" me. It's off to a good start.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and we show our dates how we wish to be treated. We show them what we will and won't tolerate. And, it is a two-way street. I'll answer his email today to show him that I am also interested.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I agree - great start! I wish you the best with new guy. Just be careful on showing your hand too soon about your list of expectations. I remember Josh telling me early on that he hated first dates where people showed up with a list. "Lists are for the grocery store" is what he said. Fortunately, I never questioned him intensely - just learned through pleasant interaction about him. It was natural.
And yes - now it is time to see. And whatever happens with Mr Big Lots is really something for everyone to learn from. KML - please do keep us posted about how it goes and I, for one, promise not to say "I told you so". But if he turns out fabulous - feel free to say it to me.
KML, the reason for my post above, as light as it was, is the truth is... we are all human... there's no "mountains moving and bells ringing"...
THAT stuff... happens IN US... no one else CAUSES this FOR us...
If you DB this... just keep your eyes open and look for consistency in actions...
In the end... we're all just another warm body...
What are you looking for in a long term R? What will you tolerate to have companionship? What are the deal breakers? How will you know he's a good guy?
Take your time... trust yourself... check yourself for blind, infatuation...
What an interesting thread. I thought I'd chip in my 2 pence here.
kml, I agree with you I don't really see what he did wrong other than fall out of contact for a little while. I don't see that as not being interested, I just see that as busy. Sometimes life happens.
I think that sometimes after what we have been through and after DBing we are too hyper-vigilant and to be honest we have good reason to be, however it makes us analyse every interaction or lack of. What does it mean etc etc. I have really tried to step back from doing that because it is exhausting and doesn't really help much as it creates drama out of little things.
You've met a guy you like, it's early days, enjoy him. Don't put all your eggs in one basket in terms of expectations for life. He may be a long term guy, he may not be but just relax and enjoy dating him. It is ok to contact guys sometimes, and it's also ok to let the guy contact you. It is when you act on the 'crazy' (I know all about doing this) that we as women feel when a guy goes silent then it isn't ok. But as an expert DBer you know when to recognise this.
As for sex, I'm not really a one night stand kind of girl so I have never had sex on the first date. The guy I am dating at the moment said to me when we first started dating that he was used to girls playing games with sex in terms of making him wait or getting the guilts over having sex. I was like 'mate, if I want to have sex with you I will, if I don't then I won't, end of'. We had sex after a week of dating when we went on a weekend away and we are still together a year later and I can say he is very much into me. Having sex did not mean that he went off me or his attention waned, we just had fun together. If it's the right guy then it is the right guy. Relax and enjoy. I found that I had quite a lot of learning and un-learning to do in terms of starting a new relationship with someone else other than exh.
Good luck, sounds to me like you are doing just fine.
kml, I agree with you I don't really see what he did wrong other than fall out of contact for a little while. I don't see that as not being interested, I just see that as busy. Sometimes life happens.
I think that sometimes after what we have been through and after DBing we are too hyper-vigilant and to be honest we have good reason to be, however it makes us analyse every interaction or lack of. What does it mean etc etc. I have really tried to step back from doing that because it is exhausting and doesn't really help much as it creates drama out of little things.
Yes - I think you hit the nail on the head here. I'm hyper-vigilant and creating exhausting drama where none needs to exist. I think I need to take the focus off of him and just wait more patiently for the chips to fall where they may. It will be what it's going to be - all will be revealed in time.
Barb - I appreciate you looking out for me, I really do
Quote:
When I wanted a new relationship - I set priorities. First - someone who had a career - made the same or more than me (because there was no way I was going to support someone else) - someone with great values and goals for themself - someone who had not cheated on his past lover - etc.
WEll - economically he's not quite where I would prefer that he be, but having been married to a man who made boatloads of money but spent more than he earned - I'll take a guy who lives within his means, works hard, and being 9 years younger, has a longer work horizon that I do. His business has the potential to eventually make as much money as I do.
He does appear to have great values, puts family first but with healthy boundaries, his friends all think the world of him, doesn't appear to have any substance abuse issues, has healthy hobbies he is passionate about, is a good dad.
And to the best of my knowledge, he doesn't have a history as a cheater. The mother of his 9 year old left him AND the baby when the baby was 2. She has custody now but he was a solo dad for a while. I don't know the whole story but my impression is it was a classic WAW situation.
Obviously, I don't know everything about him yet. But he SEEMS to be a kind, gentle, smart, loyal,family-oriented guy. The drawbacks I see at the moment are: - his poor communication (which may be a factor of his extreme busy-ness, or may be a style that could become a problem - we'll see) - his lesser education - not a problem for me, because he is smart, well-read and capable, but it remains to be seen whether HE will be bothered by the difference. So far he doesn't seem to have an attitude about it. - his lesser exposure to the larger world - due to his impoverished background, he really hasn't traveled much and hasn't experienced a lot of things (like snow! and blueberries!) although he longs to travel. I came from a pretty blue-collar childhood but have had much greater travel opportunities as an adult. I would enjoy sharing those experiences with him - my only worry is that he might feel uncomfortable with my more sophisticated friends? He seems, however, like a guy who is comfortable in his own skin. Again, it's not a worry for ME - I just don't want HIM to have an attitude about our differences here.
KML, the reason for my post above, as light as it was, is the truth is... we are all human... there's no "mountains moving and bells ringing"...
THAT stuff... happens IN US... no one else CAUSES this FOR us...
If you DB this... just keep your eyes open and look for consistency in actions...
In the end... we're all just another warm body...
Kaffe - yes, consistency in actions, that's the part I am waiting to see.
At my age, I don't need a guy who will "move heaven and earth" - in fact, I would be a little suspicious of the overly romantic type. Not that I don't believe in love - I do, in deep abiding constant love. But I feel like the overly romantic types are the ones who also burn out and stray when the first rush of infatuation dies.
I'm looking for a guy who likes me as I am, without wanting to change me (my ex was never satisfied with me - Mr. Big Lots seems to think I am just fabulous as I am, which is nice). A guy I can count on when the chips are down - (that remains to be revealed about Mr. Big Lots, although it seems as if he is that type of guy within his family relationships, at least). Someone who is not ossified into old age, but still learning and growing (Mr. Big Lots has broken through his inherent shyness by taking up karaoke singing, I give him credit for that). Someone still capable of a vigorous sex life (check! ).
I am not looking to get married again, but am looking for a steady long-term relationship. I wasn't before, but now I think I am ready for a real boyfriend. And maybe that's why I'm overthinking this so much, because I think he might have potential in that area.
Hey SFO! You are right and thanks for the advice. I tend to go on first dates and find all the things wrong with the guy so I can check him off my list. This one last night was fun. We have many things in common and just seem to like each other. So, it's time to sit back and go slowly. The test is about to happen as I am back to teaching school and I'll coach football after school. Then, every spare minute is spent in the gym as I have a CrossFit competition coming up. Opportunities to see each other will be scarce.
What I meant by "move heaven and earth" doesn't necessarily mean overly romantic. It means he'll carve time out of his schedule to see me. It will be a challenge and I'll do my best, but for the next two months I won't have much flexibility. So, is he willing to drive further to see me, etc.? Then, when I have more time I'll do the same for him. And...I do agree with JCJ. I'm not putting all my eggs in this one basket. My profile is still up, who knows??
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
