When I say split expenses I mean, I have certain bills I cover, like mortgage, house insurance, heat, hydro, water, natural gas, retirement saving property taxes, income taxes... She has expenses she covers, like groceries, car payment, satellite, phone, Internet etc. We started out with a joint bank account, but after she spent the Mortgage payment, twice, I had to change that. She spends every penny she makes, and lives beyond her means on credit cards. I cannot live like that. Sooner or later she will have to be better with money, to be fair, she has made some improvements in our time together.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I'm confused. When my wife is nice to me... Should I be nice back... Or cold shoulder?
what possible benefit is there to being nasty or cold to her?
Seriously, what's the goal?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I had an opportunity to have a good 30 minute conversation with my W today, just the 2 of us. This is to follow through on my pledge to her to work on our communication. I sent her a text to let her know that "I need to talk to you tonight after the kids have gone to bed. Something happened today that is really bothering me and I don't want to discuss it in front of the kids. Can I meet you outside tonight on the swing for a beer?". She responded "k"
After the kids were in bed she came out and I started the convo by asking about her day. She talked a little about her labour job and admitted she was tired and that she didn't want to do that full time... (no surprise there). Then she asked I'm tired, so what up? I think she was expecting R talk. I told her about a situation that happened at our oldest daughters tennis lessons this morning. Basically I witnesses a case of child abuse and confronted the abuser, and told them to stop. After talking with the abuser and telling him that is actions were not ok (smacking his kid around) we left and went home. It has been bothering me all day, as I feel like I should have done more, like report the incident to children's aid. My wife was shocked and recommended that I do what I think is right. I will report the incident to the children's aid. I could tell that the boy about 9 years old was used to taking a beating from his lack of emotion and response from his fathers physical blows, which by the way were quite audible. It still is bothering me, so I know when I report it, I hope for some peace from that. Anyways we had a nice conversation and the talk switched to the kids. My wife was in happy mood to talk and was genuinely laughing and I could tell was enjoying talking. I did my best to listen and paraphrase when necessary to show I was listening. We didn't talk long as she is tired from working all day and had to go back tomorrow at 10 am. It feels good to be talking again and I will keep the conversations going, remembering to listen more than talk.
That's another baby step forward.
I would like some feedback on how often others think I should stimulate the convos?
Also, should I keep the convos non R until my W discusses the R?
Or should I slowly introduce R talk to move us forward?
Doing my best to keep the baby step just baby steps not leaps...
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
What SPECIFICALLY did your say you had to work on with communications?
Avoid the R talk. Do not initiate R talk.
IF & When SHE brings it up, if you fear it isn't going well, ask to re-visit it when you're awake enough and with enough of a PMA to handle it.
Don't let it go askew, as it seems to do. Again, do NOT initiate R talk.
You know she doesn't want to discuss it. So don't. It's like bullying.
You won't get anywhere good by pressing her when she's been clear about it.
You build baby steps by having normal NON R talks. Let HER bring up things like
"nice talking to you", Not you pointing out how great it is to have a normal talk.
You are beginning to itch again. You want R talk. This is a mistake, which you've made already, more than once.
At some point, you'll blow it again. This time, stop yourself first.
You think two days of no fighting or a single decent conversation proves something. It doesn't. Two MONTHS might.
Back off.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So I did good last night by not R talking. My goal is exactly what you stated, to have lighthearted open, more frequent non R conversation with my W where I do the listening, instead of the talking. My W did do about 70% of the talking while I listened. I also tried to make eye contact which is tough in post twilight. The reason I need to stimulate convos is because she is always preoccupied with texting on cell or watching tv to talk. So I think, as her trust builds, she will initiate the convos more.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
