I'm Far from perfect

[sandi2]

Coming here to post might ease some stress for you. For sure, you will meet some great people who are willing to give of their time and experience to help others.

I think I understand a little about the control and trying to fix the R by talking about the issues. I was like that for the biggest part of my life. At least you realize what you are doing wrong. When we don't know where we're failing then how will we know what to change?

Talking was the only way I knew how to communicate with another person. My H, on the other hand, did not talk with me. It was the most frustrating ordeal for a person like me.

Focus on the things you need to improve about yourself. I mean as a man, first, and then as a husband, and a father. Set yourself daily goals. Talk to us about it. Don't talk to your W about it, okay? Very important not to discuss how you want to change or asking her if she's noticed any difference in you, etc. She will notice, but the hardest thing for her to believe....is you staying changed. Anybody can be better for a few weeks, even months.....but what about years? You can look under the Newcomers forum and see two or three stories from former members who DBed and got their S to stay in the M.....only to stop the changes and to fall back into their old habits/ways. So, it has to be life-long improvements and it has to be for yourself, first.

Instead of looking at this stitch like the two of you are going to see if things can be worked out or not.....you need to decide that the M you had is dead. The man you use to be is dead. In fact, the girl you M is dead. Refresh yourself with that part of Michele's DR book that discusses a beginner's mind. B/c that is how you need to enter in this part of your life. It will be so tempting to tell your W to do that also.....but don't. It's just for you.

We call DBing the game play, or the toolbox. It's just for you to use, and not her.

Do you feel that the DV classes and the IC has helped you to a great degree? Is there a limitation to how many DV classes you can attend? I believe you can see how you must be able to channel your tempter in a different manner. I have a male family member who struggles with his temper. He has one of those long boxing bags hanging up in his garage. When he first gets home from work each day, he give that old bag the hardest punches he can give, and does it as long as it takes for him to get the built up stress out of his system.

If you know that the only way to make this MR work is for you to change, not her, then I believe it has a very good chance of making it. Don't expect her to make any self-improvements. Don't expect any response from her toward your improvements. That's why you can't put her actions or attitude under a magnified glass, just stay focused on you. That's not to say she doesn't need to make any changes herself, but you are the one here and it's you that we will be trying to help. This works when you do it right!