I'm having a tough time readjusting to the distance-mode again. I had conquered it and really had my stride. Then came H, tipping back in, saying the right things, walking the walk. The whole please-come-here/no-go-away thing might be too much for me to handle. I know I'll get my stride back and be back in PMA mode in a little while, but I've reached a point that I can't come back from. I know that H will be back to wanting to spend time together the moment he stops long enough to realize that I've pulled back again, I can already see it happening, but I'm tired of this particular ride and I want off.
It's not that I don't love him or want my marriage to be reconciled. It's more that I don't trust his emotions to be consistent or steady and I know that it's better for me to not be dependent on him emotionally. This particular realization is pretty depressing.
On another note, I have been feeling inadequate again, simply not-enough to keep my H. It's the gist of what he said when he left, the whole "you're too fat and I'm leaving thing". I'm battling those feelings because I know it's not true, but those feelings do crop up.
Oddly enough, when I was shopping and feeling particularly low, a really handsome guy passed me in the aisle and gave me a big smile and a hello. I smiled and said hello back. Then, a few aisles over we ran into each other again. He stopped me.
Guy: I just wanted to tell you that you're very beautiful.
Me: Thank you.
Guy: Are you married?
Me: Yes, I am.
Guy: I thought so. Hey, I wish you a really successful marriage and life. You're just beautiful.
Me: Thank you so much. Take care.
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On the one hand, I thank God and the universe for the reassurance that I am, in fact, enough. I'm enough. I deserve to be loved, admired, maybe even adored
But it leaves me with the heaviest feeling, because the one man I love with all my heart may not be able to love me in the way I deserve.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
